You Should Get Married Even If You Have Debt, Experts Say

For all the cultural norms that Gen Z has blown up, they agree marriage remains life's most important milestone. At least, that's according to a study from wedding planning platform The Knot, which recently asked Gen Zers about whether they value things like marriage, buying homes, and having children. (The Knot, of course, has a vested interest in making sure people will always want to get married, so we take that finding with a grain of salt.) The majority of those polled ranked marriage at the top of the list, even if this generation tends, on average, to be marrying later than others like baby boomers and Gen X. But zillennials also tend to have more economic barriers than those older demographics did at their age, including some of the all-time highest rates of consumer debt in American history. And the burden of debts and loans is changing the way younger generations think about wedding planning, and even getting married at all. Some couples who know they ultimately want to get married are opting to delay their engagements until they're completely out of debt - a task that for the most burdened individuals could take upwards of several decades to realize. A Bankrate survey from 2022 found that 18 percent of Gen Z and 15 percent of millennials said they delayed marriage for financial reasons, compared to 6 percent of Gen X and 2 percent of baby boomers. CreditKarma reported in 2023 that more than half of millennials don't want to get married until their "finances are in order," and a Lumina Foundation and Gallup report from the same year found that 13 percent of student loan borrowers have delayed marriage because of their debt.But The Knot also found that roughly 90 percent of Gen Z couples prioritize discussion around their finances ahead of marriage, which wedding budget expert Lauren Kay says reflects a desire "to be really aligned on those goals and milestones" before committing to a life together. "It's no longer taboo, people are talking about [money] earlier on," she tells PS - meaning more couples today are having more honest discussions about their debt and what they're comfortable bringing into a marriage. Experts Featured in This ArticleLauren Kay is a wedding budget expert and executive editor at The Knot and The Bump.Jack Howard is the head of money wellness at Ally Bank and the face of the money psychology program Money Roots.Aja Evans, LMHC, is a board-certified therapist, speaker, and writer specializing in financial therapy. She is also the president-elect on the Financial Therapy Association board and the author of "Feel Good Finance."Those conversations aren't easy, says Jack Howard, who teaches a money psychology class called "Money Roots" for Ally Bank. "When you have anxiety about money and don't have the tools to shift, you shut down," she says. "You may have a lot of debt, but if you don't have a plan to address it, you just stop, you give up. You say, I'm not gonna get married, not gonna have kids, not gonna buy a house. Too overwhelming."But there are ways to manage your finances that don't involve sacrificing major life goals, she says. "I'm not a fan of putting your life on hold until everything is paid. Should you avoid your debts? No. But let's have a conversation about it, and make a plan to pay it off."Will I Take On My Spouse's Debt If We Get Married?A primary concern in romantic partnerships between one or multiple people with significant debt is that their debt will transfer to their spouse once they're married, and vice versa. But that's not always the case. Debt that was acquired before the marriage won't transfer to a spouse, according to US News and World Report. Debt acquired during a marriage is a different story: your spouse may be liable for that debt if you live in a "community property" state. (That includes Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington, and Wisconsin. Additionally, Alaska, Florida, Kentucky, South Dakota, and Tennessee have an optional community property system.) Debt on joint accounts, however, is both of your responsibility, regardless of your state.And while your spouse's debt likely won't affect your credit score, banks and financial institutions will look at both of your credit scores when evaluating your eligibility for loans if you apply together.Financial therapist Aja Evans is a big fan of the prenuptial agreement as a means to clearly articulate financial expectations in a marriage. Have concerns about absorbing your partner's debt once you're married? Prenups exist for exactly that reason."Similar to budgets, prenups get a bad rep," she tells PS. In her practice, she often helps partners navigate the prenup process and the emotions it can bring up. The prenup's association with divorce makes those who seek them look like villains, she says, but they really don't have to be a negative thing, or even much of a big deal at all. "It could just say, 'Hey, you leave the marriage with whatever you came in with, this is your financial responsibility, this is a marital asset, and how are we gonna divide that in the event that something happens to our relationship,'" she says.Aside from concerns about the financial implications of debt during your life after the wedding, some people are averse to getting married with outstanding debts simply because of wedding expenses. There's a feeling that they either can't afford to pay for a wedding, or that they should be putting whatever money they'd spend on the party toward paying off their debts instead. The Knot recently launched a new budget advisor tool built to support partners who are planning a wedding on a budget, Kay tells PS. It not only curates vendor recommendations that are all within your means, but it helps you set a budget for the wedding in the first place, based on the average wedding prices of wherever you are hoping to get married. That way, you can ensure your wedding day doesn't derail your big-picture financial goals.How Can I Talk to My Partner About Debt?Howard says it's important to understand the totality of your partner's debt, which can impact things like your ability to save for the down payment on a house. Before jumping into marriage, you should have an understanding of your partner's credit score, and of whether or not they pay their bills on time.Both Howard and Evans emphasize that everyone has a different relationship to money, and it's important to investigate your own before making these big life decisions with another person. Anxiety about your partner's debts can reflect your own values as much as their debt reflects your partner's. "These issues are so much bigger than the debt," Howard says. In order to make any sustainable plans for your future, whether it's marriage or something else, you have to talk with your partner about your money values, goals, and biases, and you have to find a way to do it without judgment. Evans applauds couples who talk openly about their salaries, debts, debt-to-income ratio, and lifestyle choices without perpetuating shame or blame. "Instead of it being an attack of, 'You have to pay your student loans or I'm not marrying you,' it can be, 'I don't feel stable if we have this debt,'" she explains. If the debt makes you worry about taking on something like a mortgage, be up front about that with your partner. If your discomfort with the debt stems from something else, acknowledge that, too."It's very easy to get defensive immediately," she says. "It is a very uncomfortable conversation, but very necessary if you're thinking of moving forward with them for the rest of your life."Conventional financial advice would have us think that money isn't emotional. But the truth couldn't be more different, Evans says: "Fear, instability, shame, and guilt come up most in these conversations. Talking about money is very vulnerable for people, but that means you're letting somebody in and not going through it alone. They should be there in all the beauty the world has to offer but also the hardships. There should be a sense of, 'We're in this together, let's do this together.'" If you're lucky enough to have that solid foundation with a partner, and if marriage feels right, the experts all say it's better to take the leap than to put it off until your financial standing has changed. "If you're waiting for life to be perfect," Howard says, "you'll be waiting your whole entire life." Related: I'm Struggling to Overcome Student Debt Emma Glassman-Hughes (she/her) is the associate editor at PS Balance. In her seven years as a reporter, her beats have spanned the lifestyle spectrum; she's covered arts and culture for The Boston Globe, sex and relationships for Cosmopolitan, and food, climate, and farming for Ambrook Research.