What "Nobody Wants This" Gets Right About Healthy Communication

Warning: spoilers for "Nobody Wants This" ahead.With its unique blend of humor, heart, and Adam Brody, the Netflix series "Nobody Wants This" has become the internet's new obsession. (No judgment if you watched all ten episodes in one sitting.) This thoroughly modern rom-com centers on the unlikely romance between sex and relationships podcaster Joanne (Kristen Bell) and Rabbi Noah (Brody), or "Hot Rabbi" to the teenage girls in his congregation. From Brody's captivating charm to his onscreen chemistry with Bell, the show is full of swoon-worthy moments, like when Noah directs Joanne to put down her ice cream before pulling her in for a passionate kiss. Another intriguing aspect of the show is the rare on-screen portrayal of healthy communication. Relationship success requires more than just listening and taking turns - you need clear and effective communication. PS spoke with two relationship experts about all the ways that "Nobody Wants This" demonstrates savvy, bond-inducing communication with a partner. Experts Featured in This ArticleCharlynn Ruan, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and the founder of Thrive Psychology Group.Brianna Paruolo, LCMHC, is the clinical director and founder of On Par Therapy.How "Nobody Wants This" Demonstrates Healthy CommunicationThe Importance of Getting on the Same PageAt the beginning of a relationship, "over-communicating is the way to go because often, we don't know what our partner is thinking," says psychologist Charlynn Ruan, PhD. Making assumptions can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Dr. Ruan's advice is to communicate regularly and be receptive to your partner's views by showing curiosity instead of judgment.In "Nobody Wants This," direct communication is evident when Joanne is about to go to drinks with her sister, and Noah says, "Tell me you want me to come." Later on at her parent's house, Joanne is clearly experiencing the ick because of Noah's attire and antics. Noah's able to discern and diffuse her reaction while helping her move through it and admit that she likes him - "sport coat" and all.Active listening includes making eye contact, paying attention to body language, and checking for understanding. Mental health counselor Brianna Paruolo, LCMHC, confirms that checking for understanding is healthy instead of engaging in mind-reading. When Noah apologizes for being delayed at the temple and later, for hiding Joanne from his boss, he takes accountability for his actions. A sincere apology includes an acknowledgment of the hurt you've caused without expecting the other person to forgive you instantly. Staying on TopicJoanne demonstrates direct communication on several occasions, including when she asks Noah why he didn't text back after their first kiss. When he later introduces her as his "friend" at the youth camp, Joanne confronts him while they're at a restaurant. While a restaurant may not be the ideal setting, it's important to address problems as they arise."If you let too much time pass, then you're going to start 'kitchen sinking,' which means piling one grievance on top of another," Paruolo says. "When both characters decide, hey, we're going to speak about this now, it offers an invitation to address the issue and not brush it under the rug." Some couples might need a day or two to mull over their feelings, so trying to fix things right away may not be helpful. Both partners need to agree on a suitable time and place to have a discussion. They also need to be mindful of each other's emotional states and focus on resolving immediate concerns. Using Humor and Physical TouchHumor, when it's about you or the circumstances, can bring two individuals closer - like when Joanne jokes about being pregnant because their first kiss was so amazing. "It needs to be humor that makes you feel vulnerable or aligns you and your partner in some way," Dr. Ruan says. Another way that Joanne and Noah communicate is through physical touch. When we touch someone we love, "we regulate each other's nervous systems," Dr. Ruan says. So, when Noah puts his hands on Joanne's face, "It's one of the most intimate things you can do because your vagus nerve runs through your cheeks." The vagus nerve controls different functions like our mood and heart rate, and when you grasp your partner's face, you signify your full attention is on them.Being VulnerableAfter their awkward encounter at a sex shop, Joanne is reluctant to open up to Noah despite her belief that it's healthy to discuss uncomfortable topics. When they return to Noah's place, Joanne admits her biggest fear - aside from a bad facelift - is becoming emotionally dependent on someone who'll realize that she's "too much" and break her heart. This disclosure follows a conversation between Joanne and her sister, Morgan, who encourages her to be casual and aloof so she doesn't "scare people off" like their mom. However, "just because somebody says that you're too much, you don't have to buy into it," says Paruolo. She suggests reframing this "too much" label with an "I" statement like "I know what I want in a relationship." In episode six, Noah tells Joanne, "I'm on your side. I can handle you." This statement may resonate with you if you've ever tried to live up to someone else's expectations. Sometimes, we "change or water down parts of us out of a fear that somebody is going to think we're too much," Paruolo says. So, by saying, "I can handle you," Noah is conveying that he accepts Joanne and isn't asking for her to change.Sharing something personal to connect with someone is a sign of healthy vulnerability. But if you're open with everyone about every terrible thing that's happened to you, that's having poor boundaries, according to Dr. Ruan. It takes time to establish that level of intimacy in a relationship.Holding Your Partner AccountableThe ick is a dating term that describes the moment you feel a sudden wave of disgust because the person you're dating says or does something that makes you cringe. Joanne suddenly falls victim to it when Noah shows up to meet her parents with a massive bouquet of sunflowers while wearing a "sport coat" over his basketball clothes. Even more cringey, he utters the word "prego" in a bad Italian accent. Getting the ick stems from "realizing that the person we're pursuing isn't perfect," Paruolo says. "Instead of addressing those feelings in the moment, we place it on the other person." People subconsciously employ this defense mechanism when they're looking for an excuse to get out of a relationship, such as fixating on Noah's "giant flower-holding hands." In Noah's case, he senses that Joanne has her guard up while trying to impress her family, likely due to her parents' fractured relationship. He doesn't take it personally, holds her accountable, and convinces her to continue the relationship. In turn, Joanne realizes it is possible to conquer the ick and accept imperfection from your partner.Building TrustFrom Joanne's admission that she doesn't like basketball or can't promise to convert to Judaism, the series demonstrates the importance of honesty with yourself and your partner. Pretending to like something to avoid disappointing your partner is a shaky foundation for any relationship, and you might feel resentful if you're always putting your authentic feelings aside.Another trust-building moment is when Joanne declines to read Noah's text exchange with his ex, Rebecca. "Having somebody's passcode doesn't correlate to trusting that person," Paruolo says. Trust is based on how someone treats you, not having access to their phone or social media. And when the subject of exes inevitably arises, like it does for Noah, it's a good idea to be honest about why the relationship ended - especially if the ex is in your friend group or you're co-parenting with them. But it's a red flag if your new love interest is talking about their ex a lot or speaking poorly about them, Dr. Ruan says. On Joanne's side, obsessing over a partner's ex is not healthy. Passively watching someone's life on social media may be a sign of insecurity and doesn't allow you to move on, Dr. Ruan adds. "Ultimately, we all want to be loved and feel chosen," Paruolo says. If something is non-negotiable for you, like having the same religion or not wanting to get married or have children, you need to be upfront about this and allow the person to opt in or out. It's unfair to mislead someone or expect them to go along with your choices, Dr. Ruan explains. You and your partner need to be aligned regarding your values and goals and that stems from open, honest communication. If you want to encourage openness in your relationship, watching "Nobody Wants This" and sharing your own thoughts with each other is a delightful way to start. Related: Bring Back Flirting: The Case For Crushing in Public Nandini Maharaj, PhD, is a trained therapist with a master's degree in counseling and a doctorate in public health. Her writing on health, wellness, relationships, and dogs has been featured by PS, Self, Well+Good, Business Insider, Apartment Therapy, American Kennel Club, and more.