Here at The Athletic, we are acutely aware of our responsibilities to you, our dear readers. We attempt to go above and beyond in public service. Just this week, for example, we headed to four Premier League games in four days to gauge the feeling of fans and clubs heading into the new season.
We also scoured the country to tell poignant tales of lost football stadiums . Advertisement We have also, in surely the most arduous, soul-sapping task of them all, watched every single minute of every video on Cristiano Ronaldo ’s official new YouTube channel so that you don’t have to. Yep, we know.
You are welcome. The channel launched a few days ago and has already attracted more than 40 million subscribers at the time of writing — or, as they are referred to in Ronaldo’s videos, “siuuuubscribers”. That sound we can hear is your eyes rolling.
It is called UR Cristiano, i.e. you are Cristiano.
Which you aren’t, obviously, but he is, and he’s not the shyest of lads, so as you can imagine many of the 12 videos (and a number of ‘shorts’) posted so far showcase a brawny, unrelenting focus on just how unbelievably great he is. It’s not actually all about him. We also meet his partner Georgina (who you may or may not have previously discovered on her own Netflix series titled ‘I am Georgina’.
..there’s a theme here) and his eldest son, named Cristiano Ronaldo Jr (the least surprising name for a child you will ever hear).
But in general, it’s just the latest step in Ronaldo’s apparently unstoppable ego evolution, an insurmountable road of astonishing self-admiration which presumably will only end with him buying the moon and writing CR7 on it in huge letters visible across the galaxy. Don’t believe us? Well, let’s start with some of the video titles: The videos range in length from 24 seconds to three and a half minutes, and if you are hoping for some meaningful insight into how Ronaldo became one of the greatest players to ever kick a ball, what it takes to win five Champions League or five Ballon d’Ors, or even some basic stuff like who his toughest opponent was, you’re sadly looking in the wrong place. There’s not even a recap of Al Nassr’s 1-1 draw against Al Raed last weekend, or any thoughts on what it was like to score against keeper Meshari Sunyur (who doesn’t yet have his own Wikipedia page, if you were wondering).
Advertisement What there is, is a lot of forced grinning, a lot of slightly uncomfortable looks to camera, a lot of the word “siuuu” and a lot of short clips talking about his brilliance. He rates one of his old Portugal goals via a ‘SIUUUMETER’, he shows his kids an award for having the fastest-growing YouTube channel (it gained more than 20 million subscribers in 24 hours) and then him and Georgina sit down to talk about how great he is. No, really.
GO DEEPER How Ronaldo made iconic 'SIU!' celebration his personal calling card “I think it’s a promising project with guaranteed success, like everything you do,” Georgina says in an entirely off-the-cuff speech. “With your dedication and that magnetism you have that attracts people, and that curiosity that you bring out in your fans and in the whole world, it’s guaranteed success, I have no doubt.” It’s perfectly normal to feel nauseous.
Ronaldo replies: “I also count on your support because it’s a project that’s pretty huge, and just as you have a ton of followers who are guys, but also a load of women.” This article is supposed to explain the channel to you but honestly, that sentence is copied word for word and no explanation will be forthcoming. You’re on your own.
Hang on though, there is a video called “This is how I overcame adversity in life”. Hmm, sounds intriguing. Could be some substance here, although it is only 45 seconds long.
“I think everything that happens in life happens for a reason,” says an English accent overdubbing Ronaldo talking at a press conference. “I have no problem saying there were bad times in my career. Regrets? I guess there’s no time in this life for regrets.
Life goes on. We learn from it. Regardless of whether things are going well or not, it’s part of our evolution as human beings.
” I mean, yep, so far, so philosophical. The screen then cuts to Ronaldo being gently fouled by France’s Theo Hernandez during this summer’s Euros. He gets to his feet while appearing to exaggerate a head injury.
Advertisement This is the adversity he has overcome in life. “I’m grateful for going through some difficulties,” the video continues as we focus on the foul, which didn’t even result in a booking. “Because when we’re at the top of the mountain, it’s hard to see what’s down below.
Thank God, I was able to see many things and I’m grateful for that. And I am a better man.” He’s a a better man after the foul and he’s at the top of a mountain.
Glad we cleared that up. Right, next up it’s “Cristiano Jr. dares to challenge me.
.. with a free kick!”.
This should be fun given Ronaldo’s record of scoring free kicks at major international tournaments stands at one goal from 60 attempts. No wait, look, he’s scored with his first go! Amazing. A 20-yarder into the top corner.
That was definitely only done in one take. Okay, it’s time to actually learn something. We need substance and it seems we’re only going to get it from “Nadal or Djokovic? Box or UFC? NBA or NFL ? These are my passions!”.
The one-minute video has Ronaldo stood with his hands in his pockets leaning his head towards which sport or person he prefers. For the record (spoiler alert) he likes NBA, UFC, tennis, F1, Michael Jordan, The Rock and Tom Brady. Loves an underdog, does our Cristiano.
He also completely bottles the Djokovic or Nadal question by answering neither. Rubbish. We’ll skip through the Saudi Arabia advert in which Ronaldo says the Red Sea Project (a luxury tourism development of 90 islands on Saudi’s west coast) is his favourite place ever because he gets recognised everywhere else in the world, so likes the tranquility before then recommending that “all the world” pay it a visit.
Losing the will to live here. Let’s just try the one where he says we will discover “EVERYTHING” about him and his wife. It’s a game of Mr and Mrs and this time, we have American accents as overdubs.
Remember, it says we’re going to find out everything about them. This must be good. Advertisement Cristiano’s favourite song is the question.
What’s he going to put? Loser by Beck? Where Is My Mind by Pixies? Oh. Georgina has put “it changes every summer”. Ronaldo has put “none”.
We learned he doesn’t like music. Great. Right, okay.
That’s about enough internet for one day. What’s the problem, you might say. It’s just a bit of fun.
More than 40 million people like it and most of them are probably kids, which is presumably the market being aimed at here? Fair point. Crack on, Cristiano. You do you.
But for the discerning football fan hoping for a Louis Theroux-style examination of one of the most successful sportspeople of all time, you will be severely disappointed because there is absolutely no substance in this vanity project that is, in short, a complete waste of every grown adult’s time. Thanks to The Athletic , though, it’s not a waste of your time. You are welcome.
(Top photo: YouTube/@cristiano).
