I never thought I would be able to rest again. My body was so tired, so wired, that I was only sleeping a few hours a night and unable to nap during the day. This was normal, I told myself.
I just had a baby; I wasn't supposed to be resting. Instead, I dealt with constantly racing thoughts that could bring me to tears — thoughts that something bad could happen to my baby. All the while, I told myself that having constant stress and worry would be worth it.
Because what if something did happen? What if my fear was right? The constant stress, the pain I was subjecting myself to, would be worth it because I'd already have talked through the scenario and figured out my reaction. My baby would be safe. Still, I wondered what was happening to me.
Eventually, 2 months postpartum, I tipped over into the debilitating side of anxiety. I couldn't control my thoughts. They were running the show.
My once stable hormones and mood were nosediving. That's when I realized I was dealing with postpartum anxiety, an excessive worrying that can happen after childbirth leaving parents to feel constantly nervous or panicked, according to the Cleveland Clinic . I wasn't prepared for it at all.
I'd heard of postpartum depression , but never postpartum anxiety. No one in my world was discussing it. I'd been conditioned to think that new moms are expected to worry.
While some worry is adaptive and helpful, I had tipped over from adaptive to maladaptive, functional to harmful. On the surface, I was happy to be a mom, I was bonding with my baby, and I was getting things done. At the same time, I wasn't leaving the house.
I'm not alone in this experience, either. According to the Cleveland Clinic, 11%-21% of women experience postpartum anxiety. But the condition hasn't garnered nearly as much recognition.
Why? "It masquerades as being a good mom," says Felicia Andrews , LCSW, a therapist in private practice specializing in maternal mental health. Andrews is right. The superhero stigma is real for moms.
On the surface, I was happy to be a mom, I was bonding with my baby, and I was getting things done. At the same time, I wasn't leaving the house. I could only watch sitcoms from the 90s while also watching the baby monitor.
When we found someone to come to the house a few hours every day for a week, the intention was for me to rest during the day — a huge luxury, I admit — but I couldn't take advantage of the opportunity. I would busy myself with chores just in case there was something the sitter or the baby needed. This went on for weeks.
But eventually, I took the feedback of my support system, who saw me struggling up close. I started admitting to myself my own struggles and fortunately, I had the skill set as a counselor to challenge my own distorted thoughts and reach out to colleagues for bonus feedback. I was able to do a lot of the work myself, but I don't recommend it.
Thumbing through professional articles on anxiety is not how I recommend using your time. It's best to let your support system know you are struggling and ask your PCP, ob-gyn, or trusted person for a recommendation for a therapist and potentially a psychiatrist who specializes in perinatal mental health . You don't have to go through healing alone.
Do better than I did, take care of yourself early. You shouldn't have to grin and bear it. Despite my experience, I am grateful for my postpartum anxiety though.
To move forward with it, I had to recognize that it was giving me information. It made me look at my past and make peace with the fact that I cannot control the world around me. Managing anxiety is still a work in progress, but I'm learning to be gentle with myself.
I can appreciate that anxiety can be a tool in my life, but it definitely should not be in charge of my life. I've found amazing online and in-person support groups, reproductive psychiatrists, and therapists who really want to help. I want you to know that postpartum anxiety happens.
Living with it is typical for a lot of women, but it doesn't have to be your normal and you don't have to manage it alone. I want you to do better than me, access support sooner — you deserve it. Corinne Hardisty is a licensed marriage and family therapist, a clinical director at GT Healthcare, and a freelance writer.
She graduated from the UC San Diego and the University of San Diego..
