Dear Carol: My parents are in their 90s and live in their condo near me. Both have the expected memory problems, but neither has been diagnosed with dementia. They get through life mostly because they fill in the blanks for each other.
I take them to appointments, manage their medication, and help them with their finances. Unfortunately, I get snappish when they don’t do what I think is best. I feel awful about my responses, but I work full-time, too, so I’m always tired.
Mostly, I regret there’s no time to be their daughter instead of their cranky boss. How can I break this cycle? - PD Dear PD: Acting cranky when we intend to be loving and missing one's role as a daughter or son are common concerns, so don’t blame yourself for not being perfect. You’re human.
For you, combining a support group with caregiver education and perhaps some form of hired help could make an enormous difference. Here are my thoughts: Family: You didn’t mention siblings, so we’ll begin with the obvious. Sometimes, the default caregiver doesn’t ask for help so other family members go on with their lives assuming all is well.
If you have siblings, asking them to assist in specific ways could lighten your load. Support: You might try the Caregivers Action Network, known as CAN ( https://www.caregiveraction.
org ). Through CAN, you could connect with a caregiver support group and also take advantage of their abundant resources. Other free caregiving groups include an excellent AARP caregivers’ group on Facebook and one on agingcare.
com . Services: Check out services offered through your state by using the Eldercare Locator ( https://eldercare.acl.
gov ). If you enter your parents’ Zip code, you’ll see a list of available resources, including your Area Agency on Aging. A geriatric care manager (GCM): Hire a GCM, sometimes known as an aging life professional.
GCMs are expensive, but even one or two in-person or online meetings can help immensely. One way to find them is through Aging Life Care ( http://www.aginglifecare.
org ). Not all GCMs are members of this group, so check local resources, too. In-home help: Hiring an in-home agency to provide a caregiver for some daily tasks and to offer socialization could help your parents and give you more peace of mind.
Assisted living: From your description of your parents, they might be a good fit for assisted living where they could have supervision, abundant activities, and socialization. Medication management and other services can usually be added for extra fees. They’ll likely resist the idea, which is normal, but you could plant the seed and maybe even tour a few.
This is an area where a GCM could help, as well, since they often supervise these changes. PD, your wish to be less the cranky caregiver and more the loving daughter is a testament to your love for your parents. Once you’ve found support from a caregiver group, additional education about care options, and possibly some paid assistance, you’ll have a greater balance in your life.
Big hug. Check back when you can..
