In fact, if I search the word “catch up” in my WhatsApp, I yield hundreds of results. As adulthood has slowly unfurled itself, my social life has become much more about discussing what is happening in our respective lives, rather than actually actively taking a part in them. In place of attending festivals, yoga classes and exhibitions, I now send drawn-out voice notes about how my week has been.
Instead of booking last-minute weekends away, I hurry to a “quick coffee” to hear about my pal’s latest family holiday. I’m officially in my “catch-up friend” era, one that leaves little room for heartful, authentic, impulsive discussion; we miss out on sharing our idiosyncrasies, off-the-cuff observations and, crucially, our true feelings. For example, I might tell my friend about my husband’s big promotion, but not my anxiety around it (“I’m scared he’ll have less time for me”).
In short, in our haste to cram as much top-level information in as we can, some of what makes us human – and, in turn, what leads to a real sense of connection – falls to the wayside. We talk through the headlines but don’t really get into the small print. I’d wager I’m not alone.
I recently ran a poll on my Instagram, asking how many of my 2,000 followers felt they had fallen into the “catch-up trap” with friends. Over 70 per cent of those who replied responded affirmatively. Among them, I noticed the names of several close pals.
So, fuelled by a desire to feel more connected, I reached out to ask why. “I think I should ringfence my energy for my husband and kids,” my friend Emily told me. “I only have a finite amount of it outside of my weekly to-do list, so I have to prioritise doing things with my family.
I’d love to do more actual ‘things’ with friends, but that would have to be in place of doing them with my family. That’s just not a sacrifice I feel I can or want to make right now.” My friend Katie put it down to not seeing me enough, or the rest of her social circle.
“We don’t talk day-to-day in the same way we did when we were teenagers, or even young adults, and so when I do see you there is a whole load of ‘conversation admin’ that we seem to have to go through first,” she explains. “I would love to get into deeper conversations, but I also don’t want to miss out on anything that’s been happening for you. I guess those dryer questions are the most effective way to get through a whole load of information.
” But the answer that felt most jarring came from a friend who I had gone on a gap year with many moons ago, who now lives in Canada. As she bluntly put it, “the less we actually do together, the less I feel we have in common. While I still love you and want you in my life, I just find there’s less space for spontaneous conversation.
It all becomes a bit more...
formulaic.” It may have been tough to hear, but I agreed. The “catch” with our catch-up friendship was that it had begun to feel stale, so burdened were we by the long informatio.
