Few things are more upsetting than trying to communicate with a partner who shuts down during an argument. No matter what you say or do, it feels like you can’t reach them. They’ve completely checked out—leaving you feeling helpless and rejected in return.
This type of withdrawal is called “stonewalling,” and not only is it incredibly painful to experience, but it can also be detrimental to a relationship’s success . So detrimental, in fact, that experts say it may be a sign that a relationship won’t last. “Persistent stonewalling gradually erodes trust and safety in a relationship,” explains psychotherapist Kathryn Kupillas .
“After all, the ability to move through conflict effectively is an essential skill for any relationship to grow and thrive.” But what exactly is stonewalling in a relationship, and what causes a person to do it? Is it possible for this behavior to change? And, most importantly, what can be done to fix it? Read on to find out. What is stonewalling in a relationship? Simply put, stonewalling is when one partner in a relationship ices the other person out.
“Someone might roll their eyes, give the silent treatment, or walk away when their partner is trying to talk to them,” explains Amy Morin , psychotherapist and author of the book 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do . “They might say, ‘We’re not talking about this,’ or dismiss their partner’s attempts to bring up a subject altogether.” Stonewalling can also manifest in the form of one-word answers, non-committal grunts, and non-verbal cues like crossing their arms, stiffening their body, averting their eyes, or turning their back.
It usually happens during an argument or after an intense talk, but it can also occur for no apparent reason at all. Either way, “the partner may simply stop talking for extended periods, creating a painful silence that feels like a wall between you,” says Seth Eisenberg of PAIRS Foundation , a non-profit that focuses on improving relationships. Why a person stonewalls While stonewalling can feel incredibly hurtful for the person being stonewalled, it may be helpful to know that the other person is usually not trying to cause harm.
“Most forms of stonewalling are unintentional,” explains Kupillas. “The person shutting down is not fully aware of the reactive and dysregulated state they are in.” This is because stonewalling is a maladaptive defense strategy developed earlier in life—and, sadly, it might be the only coping strategy the person currently has.
“It can originate from childhood trauma, during which the person learned to automatically disconnect or dissociate as a way to maintain safety. It is a response to feeling overwhelmed,” explains licensed marriage and family therapist Aurisha Smolarski . To make matters worse, the stonewaller may feel ashamed of their behavior—which may cause them to withdraw further.
“The only way their nervous system knows to feel safe and in control is through shutting down and emotionally or physically leaving,” Smolarski explains. Unfortunately, stonewalling is pretty common, especially among men . But anyone who is conflict-averse or has an avoidant attachment style might engage in stonewalling.
“It’s not unusual when people fear that expressing themselves honestly will lead to a larger conflict or even end the relationship,” licensed marriage and family therapist Saba Harouni Lurie explains. “Because they were never exposed to healthy examples of how to engage in conflict, they fall back on stonewalling as a form of self-protection.” When stonewalling becomes abuse With that in mind, it’s important to note that stonewalling isn’t always unintentional; it can also be used as a way to manipulate and control.
“Stonewalling becomes emotional abuse when it’s coming from an intentional place of punishment,” Kupillas says. “If you are gaslit or dismissed when you express feeling devalued—or if the behavior only ends when you give in and apologize—stonewalling may be a sign of emotional or narcissistic abuse.” If the stonewalling is frequent, long-lasting, and accompanied by other toxic behavior—excessive jealousy, isolation, or verbal or physical cruelty, for example—it’s vital to seek help.
“Stonewalling is especially concerning if it is combined with other forms of emotional abuse or if it lasts several days or weeks,” explains social worker and psychotherapist Kristin Papa . The impact of stonewalling on relationships Whether intentional or not, one thing is certain: stonewalling can have an extremely negative impact on a relationship. “It’s an unhealthy form of conflict resolution that can cause long-lasting emotional damage,” says psychotherapist Amber Robinson .
“Couples who engage in stonewalling generally report a lack of intimacy on both sides.” For the person on the receiving end, “stonewalling can lead to feelings of hopelessness, reduced self-esteem, and increased anxiety,” Robinson says. “They may feel demeaned, neglected, and sometimes even abused—and they almost always feel a lack of emotional safety.
” These feelings can also cause the stonewalled person to shut down themselves—and, in many cases, they may eventually check out of the relationship altogether. “The more one partner stonewalls, the more likely the other is to withdraw or respond with their own defense mechanisms, creating a cycle that deepens the emotional divide,” Eisenberg explains. And it’s not just the partner on the receiving end who suffers.
“Stonewalling is incredibly difficult for the one who is expressing it,” says therapist and epigenetics expert Johanna Lynn . “Stonewallers often experience increased physical stress, emotional disconnection, and a growing accumulation of unresolved issues and resentment.” They can also feel hopeless: “Their behavior builds up internal incongruence—a mismatch between their thoughts, feelings, and external actions—which can lead to anxiety and, in extreme cases, despair,” relationship therapist Domenique Harrison says.
In other words, stonewalling in a relationship leads to disconnection on all sides and the partnership becomes untenable. “Without vulnerability and emotional intimacy, connection is blocked and true intimacy cannot be built,” Kupillas says. The cure for stonewalling Though stonewalling can sometimes feel like an insurmountable challenge, experts say it’s not impossible to overcome.
Couples therapy is an obvious first step. However, fixing the issue may require more than simply learning better communication strategies. As Eisenberg points out, stonewalling is “often a reflection of deeper emotional issues rooted in unmet needs and fears of intimacy” and changing that “involves a deeper reconditioning of emotional responses and addressing the fears that fuel this behavior.
” This means that the stonewaller needs to become aware of, acknowledge, and take accountability for the way their behavior impacts the relationship and their partner. They must also be willing to learn and practice new ways of coping with dysregulation and distress. “They need to learn to recognize when they’re feeling overwhelmed and take steps to calm themselves,” says Eisenberg, who recommends learning self-soothing practices such as deep breathing, taking a walk, or practicing mindfulness .
To that end, experts say that trauma therapy and somatic therapy can be game-changers for someone who stonewalls. “Learning to pay attention to what is happening inside your body and mind when you are triggered is important for better understanding your panic or overwhelm,” says psychotherapist Rachael Chathman . Understanding what’s happening in their body can help the stonewaller better express themselves—and ultimately lead to deeper connection with their partner.
“Stonewallers must learn to communicate their need for space instead of leaving their partner in the dark,” says therapist Gloria Zhang , author of A Woman’s Guide to Inner Child Healing . She says learning to say “I feel my body shutting down, and I need to go on a walk to clear my thoughts so that I can show up better in this conversation” can make all the difference in shifting the dynamic. Shifting the pattern of stonewalling The stonewaller, however, isn’t the only one that must change—both people must recognize their part in the dynamic.
“Generally, partners who shut down have partners who are expressive,” Eisenberg explains. “Expressive partners tend to double down when they feel unheard, causing the other partner to shut down even more.” Thus, the expressive partner’s work is to create a safe enough environment for the shutting-down partner to come out of their shell.
As in all successful relationships, the key is to work as a team. Both people must approach each other and themselves with compassion. It is important to believe that they’re truly in it together and that they’ve attracted each other for a reason : “The dynamic exists because each person is the key to the other’s growth,” explains Eisenberg.
What to do when stonewalling occurs Of course, it can be difficult to remember all of this in moments of intense distress. Often, when stonewalling occurs, both partners are not being their best selves. “Most struggles around conflict are co-created to some extent, and healing often requires we establish new patterns and instincts,” Kupillas says.
Below, she offers strategies for doing just that. Ultimately, the benefits of addressing and ending stonewalling can go far beyond better communication . The goal is true reconnection—and that takes more awareness of our unhealthy patterns overall.
As Lynn notes, “the journey towards developing secure attachment together and opening communication can transform the landscape of the relationship, replacing silence and distance with intimacy and trust.”.
