When my friend Joni reached her mid-40s she had a startling realization about her marriage. She and her husband were living separate lives under the same roof. This was punctuated by the fact that they hadn’t had sex in years.
With their only child preparing to attend university, they realized it no longer made sense to stay married to each other. My friend’s experience with marriage and divorce is common. According to Statistics Canada, the average age of divorce is 48 years.
While divorce rates are declining in Canada, there is a surprising surge among middle-aged and baby boomers. Recent data shows divorce rates for those aged 55 to 64 are at 46% – a number that’s slowly creeping up. For many, life kicks into high gear in their late 40s and 50s.
This includes increased financial responsibilities and major life changes, such as career shifts, grief over losing loved ones, raising kids, and evolving personal goals and identities. These factors can create added stress for even the happiest of couples. This has contributed to what experts call the rise of “grey divorce” — couples parting ways in the mid-40s and beyond.
It’s a sign that attitudes towards marriage and divorce are shifting, says Deepa Tailor, an expert in relationship and marital trends from DivorceLawyers.ca. “People are focusing more on their own happiness and fulfillment,” she says.
With that being said, divorce is a huge life shift that can be incredibly challenging. Even though my friend Joni’s divorce was relatively amicable, she says it still felt like being thrown from a warm dock into chilly, unfamiliar water. It was a refreshing change, but scary and disorienting nonetheless.
“Although hard at any age, grey divorce — or divorce among people aged 50 and above — has its own emotional and psychological complications,” says April Crowe, a licensed clinical social worker at Paramount Wellness Retreat. During a divorce, Crowe says those in middle age and older face emotional problems that are different from those faced by younger people. When you’ve been together for a long time, your lives are intertwined — financially, socially, and through family connections, including children.
“They often struggle with changes in their identities over many years as a result of which they might have to figure out who they are again outside marriage,” Crowe says. If life is a deck of cards, getting divorced in your late 40s or 50s shuffles everything. “Suddenly, the feeling of being established and secure that normally comes with the latter part of life is completely upside down,” says Niloufar Esmaeilpour, founder and clinical director of Lotus Therapy & Counselling Centre.
This can bring on feelings of loneliness and anxiety about starting over midlife. If you’re going through a grey divorce, “know that your feelings are real, and support is very necessary,” says Esmaeilpour. She encourages people to stay close to friends and family and seek professional counselling and support groups to help navigate the transition.
Instead of trying to rush the healing process, take time to grieve and process the changes. When redefining yourself post-divorce, Esmaeilpour says, “Focus on self-care and rediscovery of activities and interests that bring happiness and fulfillment.” This advice also applies to couples who are still together and are hoping to stay that way.
“Engaging in common goals or interests will rekindle the love between partners who had lost touch over time, thereby providing a basis for reconnecting again,” says Brittany Astrom, LMFT, clinical supervisor at OC Revive. Seeking couples counselling and prioritizing open communication also helps. Astrom shares, “When people talk openly and honestly about their feelings and expectations, so many problems can easily be solved before they even arise altogether.
” Lastly, we must adopt a more positive view of midlife and everything it entails — including divorce. This period of life can be challenging, but it’s also an opportunity for reinvention. “Individuals might discover inner potentials never realized before, thereby giving birth to fresh exciting episodes in life,” says Dr.
Michelle Dees, a board-certified psychiatrist at Luxury Psychiatry Medical Spa. Whether married, single, divorced, or somewhere in between, stay open to possibilities, try new things, and permit yourself to embrace your truest desires. No matter your age, you’re never too old for a fresh start.
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