Last month Toronto Star golf reporter Jason Logan dedicated a fair bit of space in his column to reveal the nickname of Canada’s great golfer Brooke Henderson is ...
wait for it ...
Brookie. You see what her buddies did there? They took the perfectly nice name of Brooke, cleverly inserted an “i” and came up with Brookie! The insipid and childish nicknaming of pro athletes drives me up the wall, around the bend to the front door of the proverbial loony bin. So far, it’s ‘proverbial.
’ Do you know what Mitch Marner’s nickname is? Marns or sometimes Mitchy. Auston Matthews? Matty. And William Andrew Michael Junior Nylander? Willy.
That’s about $30 million a year in Toronto Maple Leafs salaries, and the best teammates could come up with was adding a “y” to an existing name? Mitchy, Matty and Willy? Instead, Marner could be called Kid Smoothie. Matthews could be Gloat for the greatest Leaf of all time and Nylander could be The Sweet Swede. You know what a great nickname for Brooke Henderson would be? Smitty.
She’s a phenomenal athlete from Smiths Falls. They could build a tourism campaign around Smitty. All Brookie gets her is a TV ad for an artificial sweetener.
Canada’s Brooke Henderson hits a tee shot during the LPGA Canadian Women’s Open golf tournament in Calgary in July. A great nickname for the great Canadian golfer would be Smitty, writes William Thomas, a reflection of her hometown Smiths Falls. The Babe, Broadway Joe Namath, Night Train Lane, Shoeless Joe Jackson, William (The Refrigerator) Perry — these are terrific nicknames for professional athletes that required some thought.
OK, there have been a few clunkers. Like Lester (The Molester) Hayes, Freddie (Fred Ex) Mitchell, Shaun (The Flying Tomato) White, and Doug (Muscle Hamster) Martin. Apparently at 6-feet 11-inches, Milwaukee Bucks star Giannis Antetokounmpo doesn’t mind being referred to as The Greek Freak.
Do you know what Blue Jays manager John Schneider’s nickname is? I hope you’re sitting down ...
Schneid. And his lovable utility player Davis Schneider? Schneid. “Hey Schneid.
Hi Schneid. Nice catch, Schneid. Thanks Schneid.
See ya, Schneid. Good night, Schneid.” The absolute absence of originality in naming sports stars is staggering.
In fact, if you were a well-known athlete and your name was Ed Staggers, your nickname would be Stags or Staggy. I guarantee it! Steve Dalkowski was the fastest, wildest pitcher any baseball player ever faced, including Ted (The Splendid Splinter) Williams. His nickname was Nuke.
Played by Tim Robbins in the greatest sports movie ever, “Bull Durham,” his screen name was Nuke LaLoosh. When the much loved, legendary Harlem Globetrotter Fred Neal died, few recognized the name because he was as bald as a cue ball, and everybody knew him as Curly. The first black man to suit up with the Boston Red Sox, Elijah Green couldn’t remember why his mother named him Pumpsie, but it stuck.
Nuke, Curly and Pumpsie were all original pet names of endearment and humour that gave these players added mystique. I have no idea where Charlie (Clip Board Jesus) Whitehurst picked up that nickname, but it’s a helluva lot better than Leafs defenceman Morgan Rielly being called Mo or sometimes Riells. I wondered if it is a Canadian thing, selecting really dumb nicknames for our heroes, what with Marcus Stroman called Stro and Vladimir Guerrero called Vladdy.
No, at least not in Quebec. For his explosive speed and quick temper, the great Maurice Richard was aptly named The Rocket. Maurice’s brother Henri, a legend in his own time, at only 5-foot 7-inches was nicknamed The Pocket Rocket.
Henri (Pocket Rocket) Richard hugs the Stanley Cup awarded to the Montreal Canadiens on May 5, 1966. Henri’s younger brother Claude just missed making the Montreal Canadiens roster. His nickname? The Vest Pocket Rocket.
Not kidding. Had Mr. and Mrs.
Richard kept producing hockey players, fans might have been treated to a Habs substitute goalie with the nickname The Back Pocket Rocket. The youngest kid, a fancy-skating, puck stealer, would be known as The Pick Pocket. The Leafs at their best with Red Kelly (red hair) and The Big M for Frank Mahovlich (his big frame) will never beat the Montreal Canadiens with Newsy Lalonde and Boom Boom Geoffrion in the game of great nicknames.
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