Radhika, 26, lives with her single mother and younger brother. Since her parents separated when she was nine, she had to take on significant responsibilities within the household. Her mother worked long hours to make ends meet, often leaving Radhika to handle day-to-day tasks.
“It fell on me to care for my brother, manage household chores and hold the centre. From catering to my loved ones’ needs to fixing everything at home, missteps were not an option,” she says. While her mother was grateful, she unintentionally relied on Radhika for emotional support as well, often sharing her financial apprehensions and personal frustrations with her.
What Radhika has endured is known as “parentification”, a term coined by Hungarian-American psychiatrist Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy in 1973. ‘Parentification of children’ refers to a role reversal between a child and their parent(s), where the child is placed in a position to act as the caregiver or emotional supporter for their parent; often having significant detrimental effects on the child’s mental health and development. Consultant psychiatrist and TEDx speaker, Dr Era Dutta, explains, “When you hear the word ‘Parent’, what are some associations that come to your mind? Adult, mature, responsible, taking care of others’ physical, emotional and monetary needs.
The word ‘Child’, brings to mind free-spirited, chirpy, immature, fun-loving, and perhaps even irresponsible behaviour. Now, imagine a child who behaves like an adult. They begin to take care of themselves, their siblings, parents or grandparents- physical and emotional needs, in a manner well beyond their age.
This is a parentified child.” These are children who are forced to take up practical, worldly responsibilities at a tender age and are no longer a child. They often receive compliments that they are ‘too mature’ for their age.
“An adult with parentification trauma may not even realise it until pointed out or discovered in therapy. It might manifest as over-responsibility, always being the caregiver, difficulty accepting help, guilt when not meeting others' needs, trouble letting a partner take the lead in relationships, perfectionism, and struggles with saying ‘no’ says, Dutta. When these children grow up, they face difficulty in forming healthy relationships.
Arouba Kabir, psychotherapist and founder of Enso Wellness says, “Parentified children might have high functional anxiety, a controlling nature, people-pleasing tendencies and a deep-seated sense of responsibility for people around them. They lack healthy boundaries, face frequent burnout, and sometimes have low self-esteem.” Mansi Poddar, psychotherapist and founder of Heal•Grow•Thrive Foundation says that overcoming the challenges of parentification in adulthood requires resilience and self-discovery.
She elaborates, “The first step is to acknowledge and validate your feelings without judgment and recognise the toll parentification has taken on your emotional well-being.” Another important step in your healing journey according to Kabir is grieving for that lost childhood. She says, “We not only grieve a dead loved one, but we can also grieve for something we should have but did not have.
” Parentification can also have some positive outcomes. Poddar says that though the harm it causes shouldn’t be ignored, those who experience it may develop resilience, independence, self-reliance, responsibility, empathy and compassion. Healing from parentification is a journey, and progress is seldom linear.
•Taking care of siblings or other relatives because a parent is unable to perform housekeeping duties, such as cleaning, cooking, and grocery shopping • Paying bills and attending to other household tasks • Being a caretaker for a parent with a disability, illness, or mental health disorder •Serving as a translator in families where the parent does not speak the primary language of their resident country • Emotional parentification involves a child providing emotional support to a parent, including: • Listening to a parent talk about their problems • Offering advice to a parent • Mediating between a parent and another family member • Serving as a confidante for their parent • Providing emotional comfort and support to a parent.
