Even though it would be nice for first marriages to last forever, sometimes the relationship doesn't turn out the way you had hoped. So when Reddit user u/throwingitfaraweigh asked the r/AskOldPeople community: "People who had a horrible first marriage, got divorced, and eventually ended up in a happy marriage, what changed? What did you learn?" people were vulnerable enough to share their stories. Here's what they said below.
2. "My first marriage started when we were too young and went on for too long because I was terrified to hurt him or to leave him and be on my own. He was/is a good person, but we weren’t compatible, and I felt like my whole life revolved around managing his anxiety and living out his version of what our lives should be.
It took me almost 20 years to realize that my life was passing me by whether I divorced or not, so I made the hard decision to do it. It cost me a lot, financially and emotionally, and cost me some friends who are the type to think that if you’re not actively being abused, you shouldn’t get divorced." "I’m married again.
We certainly have our issues, but we love each other passionately, and he’s truly my best friend in the world. I needed someone who could talk in depth about our feelings, our lives, and our relationships, who has passions to follow, and who wasn’t completely shut down by fear. I needed someone who would challenge me in good ways and who could see, accept, and love all parts of who I am.
Sometimes, I still wonder if it’s been worth the pain I was in and that I caused with the divorce, even with the good outcomes (my ex is also with someone new and seems really happy with her). But it’s my path, and I’m trying to walk it well." — u/elizajaneredux 4.
"It took a few tries and the right therapists. I eventually learned my impulse to be attracted to partners who were smart, beautiful, prone to addiction, and thrill-seeking was sabotaging my happiness. I finally realized that I needed to 'fix my picker.
' My now wife is beautiful, totally brilliant, but a classic 'good girl.' She is the straight-A student type with the emotional competence to consider others’ feelings first. She brings up grievances in a calm, non-confrontational way that helps find a solution gently but without backing away from her position.
She is loyal to the core and, again, smart as a whip, without putting her brilliance in your face." — u/Utterlybored 6. "I changed.
I grew in the 17 years between marriages. I picked someone who was a partner who helped me find peace. I also learned that I control my responses to all situations, and I own the outcomes of those situations.
I also learned that my spouse is not responsible for my feelings, mental health, physical health, or personal development. I own my shit." — u/Djragamuffin77 8.
"Don't marry for potential. Don't let your partner marry for potential, either. While change is inevitable and both of you will need to be able to adapt, fundamentally, you have to let them be them, and they must love you for what you are, not some idealized or Frankenstein vision.
" — u/notproudortired 10. "I learned to stop being an asshole and to consider my wife's needs and feelings." — u/Altatori 12.
"I had a horrible, verbally abusive first marriage. I had a horrible, verbally abusive rebound second marriage. After the second divorce, I realized it's not what you want in a partner; it's what you are not willing to tolerate, and that's the most important.
I created a list of 5 'must never,' and anyone I even casually dated had to meet those:" 1. He could not have been in the military. No offense to veterans — it was just that I had personal, awful experiences because of PTSD in a partner.
2. He could not have a temper. I didn't mean he could have emotions, but he couldn't have the yelling, cursing, punching type of temper — not ever, not over big things or small things.
3. He could not have or want children. I was absolutely child-free by choice.
I tried being a stepmother, and that was a failure. 4. He could not drink.
Both of my exes were alcoholics who looked at first like 'casual drinkers,' but after marriage, they got much, much worse. I was absolutely gunshy of even casual drinkers. 5.
He could not be religious. I was an atheist and had no interest at all in a partner who was religious and might try to convert me. I found that my list of 'nevers' was much more important in finding the right partner.
We've been together 35 years, so I was right." — u/JanetInSpain Adults who got divorced and remarried, tell us the lessons you learned in the comments below..
