Experts say intimacy is what holds a relationship together – yet for a growing number of couples, a sex-free marriage is the norm Couples who have been together for more than a few years tend to make light of the fact that their sex life is next to non-existent . “Since we had kids, we don’t bother with that stuff,” is the sort of flip remark married folk are used to making in public. Sure, not many of us keep up the heady pace of a relationship’s early days as we head towards middle age.
But if we believe the plethora of confessionals on popular online forums (check out the “Dead Bedrooms” sub Reddit or any number of posts on Mumsnet) the entirely sexless marriage is a very real – and growing – trend. A survey conducted by the advertising agency Raison d’etre revealed 43.9% of 4000 respondents were in sexless marriages .
Whether you regard it as a “problem” or not depends on perspective. “If it’s a case of circumstances getting in the way and stopping you from having sex for a month, it’s not a big deal and things will probably get back on track,” says Relate counsellor Simone Bose. “The problems arise when there is an ongoing mismatch in desire.
If one half of the couple has lost all interest in sex and the other hasn’t, it can threaten a relationship .” Caroline*, 45, has been married to her partner for 17 years. “For the first few years of our marriage, we had sex most days,” she says.
“Then, about three years ago, we stopped having sex completely. We don’t argue, we get along with each other day to day, we are good parents to our two children. But if we never had sex ever again, I’d be fine with that.
” So how does a couple go from daily romps to complete abstinence ? “In my case, I started to feel differently about myself after I had kids,” says Caroline. “I put on a bit of weight and felt less attractive. I was tired and stressed a lot of the time.
The more I avoided sex, the more my husband sniped, made sarcastic remarks and started to resent me. In turn, that made us emotionally disengage which made me even less interested in having sex with him. I appreciate how it must be difficult for him.
I have even indicated that, if he were to have a one-night stand with someone else, I would probably be okay with that.”.
