You might expect during your 20s to plan a wedding or perhaps a baby shower. However, a life event that probably isn't on your radar is a funeral, which Shay Martin and Tanner Martin found themselves planning earlier this year—but with a twist. Tanner, 29, was diagnosed with stage 4 colorectal cancer in November 2020 that had spread to his liver at the time but has since progressed to his lungs too.
At first, he was given approximately two to five years to live, but as it spread significantly, the couple, from Utah, were told in March 2024 that he only has a matter of months left. "I always had a small hope that this would get cured," Tanner told . "That this experience would be something I shared with my kids in the future.
It's weird to think that I may never see my kids, that I might never have a career, and that I don't get to be a grandpa. Having to mourn the fact that I probably won't experience these things was hard. Without Shay, therapy and God, I don't know that I would have been able to cope.
" Knowing that Tanner's time was limited, the couple decided to celebrate his life with all their friends and family. They spent some time thinking about the most fitting way to commemorate, and in the end, they decided there was no better way than hosting a living funeral. They had already decided that they wanted to have a video montage recounting Tanner's life so Shay, 28, could show their children in the future.
But they didn't just want to wait until she uses the embryos, so they hosted their own movie premiere that was attended by 275 friends and family. Shay explained that, with the help of her dad, they teamed up with local companies who were generous enough to donate items for the living funeral. This included the movie theatre where it was held, the red carpet, limousine, a photographer, and even hair and makeup.
"I was nervous that no one would come, or that the movie made about my life would suck," Tanner continued. "But all those feelings melted away when we got there. There were people from so many different parts of my life who showed up because they love Shay and I and were excited to share this moment with us.
It was beautiful to be reminded of all the people in my life and the positive influence they have had." The idea might sound morbid to some, but Elreacy Dock, a grief and death educator, explains that living funerals are quite the opposite. In fact, they can be a time for people to focus on their profound love, gratitude, and support for one another, rather than grief.
Dock explained to that people often wish they had one more chance to speak to a loved one before they passed, and they harbor deep emotions about what they might say to them given the opportunity. But with living funerals, everyone gets to have that "final interaction" before the death occurs. "Living funerals provide an opportunity for people to express the depths of their emotions to their loved ones while they are still alive, instead of a traditional funeral, where it may feel too late," Dock said.
"Instead of sharing eulogies that reflect on someone's legacy after death, people can directly tell this person about their impact on their lives and reflect on their experiences together." Dock, who is a thanatologist—someone with expertise on death, grief, and loss—adds that living funerals give the person control over how they are remembered, rather than letting loved ones plan it for them after they're gone. The living funeral was a beautiful way for Tanner's loved ones to celebrate his life while he's still here, but it's taken a lot of work and acceptance for the couple to cope with this grief.
They have regularly attended mental health appointments and started seeing a death doula earlier this year. This is someone who provides emotional and educational support for someone nearing death and helps loved ones learn coping skills. Shay told that having a death doula has enabled them to find "so much comfort and beauty" in the end of her husband's life.
"This journey has been extremely difficult but also beautiful," Shay said. "We have experienced the pure love of so many people and are much more intentional with our time together." She continued: "It was our death doula who encouraged us to have a living funeral.
Tanner and I arrived in a limo, and we got to walk down the red carpet together. We gathered in the theater to watch his movie and we laughed and cried. Afterwards, everyone was able to take pictures with us in front of our backdrop, making us feel like celebrities.
" Despite the professional help Shay and Tanner have received, there's no doubt their . One day, Shay will have to face the world without her soulmate by her side, and in those moments, she'll reflect on how special his living funeral was. "When we found out he was terminal and had months to live I felt like I was being robbed of my best friend.
I spent so much of my young adult life finding him, and we planned so much of our future together. It feels like my heart is being ripped out and I'm scared of life without him," Shay said. The couple have used social media to document everything from Tanner's , how they've learned to cope with grief so young, and how they're finding light during such dark times.
Earlier this month, they posted a video on (@tannerandshay) revealing the details of Tanner's living funeral. It may be a somewhat unique experience, but Shay insists that "everyone should have one" because it was the perfect celebration of Tanner's life. The video went viral with over 1.
6 million views and more than 119,600 likes on TikTok in a matter of days. "We hope to destigmatize death and help people be more accepting of it, so they can prepare rather than be scared of it," Shay said. "An overwhelming amount of people were touched and inspired by our story, our fight, and our decision to have this living funeral.
We hope other people will have their own living funerals too after seeing how beautiful they can be." Ever heard of a living funeral? Also known as a celebration of life. We had one for Tanner!Everyone should have one of these.
Celebrate with your person while they’re here💙 After cultivating a social media following, Tanner is pleased to have raised awareness for colorectal cancer and the symptoms that people should look out for. He's been able to support others in getting an early diagnosis and those who are also fighting through like him. If there's one thing for certain, cancer hasn't stripped him of his fight and determination.
"Even now, we can't stop living. We've got to make memories with family and friends, go on that trip you've always talked about, or do anything just to show cancer that it's not in control," Tanner said. "This was the first time I have ever faced death, and it was hard to come to terms with until I thought about my life.
If there's nothing after this life, I am satisfied that I lived in a way that I can be proud of." TikTok users have heaped praise on the couple for honoring Tanner's life in such a special way, leading to more than 2,400 comments on their viral TikTok video. One comment reads: "This is so beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.
" Another user responded: "This is so beautiful I hope he felt and embraced all the love." A third user posted: "I've never seen anything like this, but it's so sweet. It's so much better to honor our loved ones while they are still here.
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