I over whether a man should have told his current fiancee that his late ex partner was a man. Reddit user r/poetrysonnets, a 29-year-old man, thread to share his dilemma, and three relationship experts told what they would advise. "I pretty much told her 'my last partner passed away and I don't talk about it,'" the man said.
"I don't use social media in really any capacity anymore but she happened to stumble upon an old profile of mine recently and saw him heavily featured. This led to her accusing me of purposefully keeping this from her. "I don't really see why his gender matters and I told her so.
She said I've broken her trust," , and the post garnered more than 12,000 upvotes. The man wrote about the tragic loss of his former boyfriend, who died in a car accident four years ago when they were both 25. The couple had been together since they were 19, and he felt like his former fiance was his soul mate.
"He was stubborn, he preferred a way earlier bedtime than I did, and was a major homebody, and I loved all of it," the poster wrote. "He would stay up with me until he was sure I fell asleep and weekly movie theater outings (planned by him) became a thing like a month into us meeting. I am a fundamentally different person both because I met him and because of my grief," he added.
The poster said he doesn't talk about his fiance and only occasionally mentions him to close friends who knew him. He continues to honor his fiance by emulating his patience, pursuing career opportunities he would have encouraged, and being gentle with himself in moments of vulnerability. The man asked the community for advice since his fiancee, 31, who knew he was bisexual, has accused him of purposely keeping this from her.
"Times like these are when I long for the life I was living before. But grief f****** up my brain so I'm not sure if I'm being insensitive," he wrote. Rachel Marmor, a mental health counselor and chief wellness officer at PAIRS Foundation, from Miami, Florida, told about the importance of transparency in relationships, especially when it comes to past experiences that shape who we are.
She added that the poster's omission could be seen as a barrier to trust, even if unintentional. Marmor said the poster should have an honest and open conversation with his fiancee, detailing why it is hard for him to talk about his late partner and explaining he did not intentionally hide him from her. "Throughout their conversation, both should aim to stay connected with each other, even if it feels difficult," Marmor said.
"One way to maintain this connection is through simple, physical gestures like holding hands or maintaining eye contact, as these can foster a sense of safety and support. It's about being fully present with each other, creating a space where both can express their truths without fear. "The key here is to move away from any blame or judgment and toward a shared understanding.
Remember, it's not about who is right or wrong but about how they can come together as a team to address the challenges they face," Marmor added Lauren Auer, a professional therapist specializing in trauma at Steadfast Counseling, from Peoria, Illinois, questioned why the poster chose not to share that his former fiance was a man, given that his current fiancee was aware of his bisexuality. Auer told that this could be seen as a "lie of omission," which might be more about the act of withholding information than the gender itself. "This doesn't necessarily mean his current partner is upset about his former fiance being a man, but rather that may have sensed some reason to omit this detail to her," she said Brandon Simpson, an associate marriage and family therapist, from Los Angeles, California, told that the poster would benefit from working through the pros and cons of revealing his late fiance's gender to his current partner.
"I would pursue this option because, while the poster is not being explicitly secretive, they are withholding information that prevents their fiancee from making an informed decision about the relationship," Simpson said He added that the couple should attend joint counseling sessions to address any concerns and support open communication. Reddit users responded sympathetically to the man's situation, offering their own advice and perspectives. "I'm on marriage number two, as is my wife.
If I didn't know the name or gender of her ex, I wouldn't have married her for exactly this reason. Who marries someone they don't know?" wrote u/Jcdoe. Another user, u/touchcredit7, expressed sympathy, saying, "I am so sorry for your losses! That's unimaginable grief.
I agree though. I feel like OP jumped into this relationship too quickly without fully healing from the loss of his life partner. "When you become intimately involved with someone, especially to the extent of being engaged and planning a wedding, it is paramount to be 100% transparent about your past.
This includes prior arrests, drug use, debt, religion/politics, and relationships." "You're definitely not an AH [a******], OP, but it could be that you haven't processed your grief enough to be in another intimate relationship yet. The way you describe your late fiance is beautiful; maybe finding more ways to share how he changed you with those around you could help you heal," wrote another user.
Finally, u/ijustlikebeingnosy simply commented: "Continue therapy, don't get married." "Here's my perspective as a widow. You need to talk to your therapist about this.
Not Reddit. Most people have no idea what it's like to lose so much and just how much that loss shapes you," posted one user..
