BENGALURU: For many of us, our partners are very much part of our social circles. We might have found them within our usual group of friends or acquaintances in the first place, and if not within the circle itself; chances are the partner is well within six degrees of separation of our closest people. In the context of an arranged relationship, it might feel like there is no real connection, but even there, people will typically find someone with some degree of commonality.
When we don’t have too much in common with each other, if and when we separate from each other, it feels like our worlds can quickly drift apart and we each find our own peaceful havens. If one moves to Toronto and the other to Chitradurga, chances are slim that their worlds will collide over and over, making it difficult for both. Practically speaking, we often do not have that luxury to move or change our world.
We breakup and end up still swimming in the same little fishbowl, bumping into each other all the time. Even if temporarily, we stay away from each other, pointedly not going to parties or events where the ex- might be there, sooner or later we will end up seeing each other. We cannot always ask our friends and family to choose one or the other, especially if the breakup occurred in a ‘no fault’ scenario, where neither party had any grievous fault, but simply broke up.
In such situations, friends might sympathise with us and try and keep us apart for a few weeks or even months, but after that, it is back to normal and we are likely to see each other in the same venues. When you do end up seeing each other again, do you avoid each other? Or, give perfunctory nods of hellos and politely stay a bit away from each other? Or, do you openly acknowledge that you had something that is not there any more, and talk about each other openly and honestly? Pushing it a bit further, would you want to be each other’s support as you move on, and cheer and support each other as you try to do that? Many times, we breakup in bitterness and pain, and cannot even visualise being around each other – in such times, there is no question of being okay around each other. No news about the ex’s new liaisons is the best news.
To have anything more, and especially to be really good friends after a break-up, we need to be able to break up very considerately and consciously. Conscious breakups mean we should necessarily be able to understand and process the hurt we have caused or endured, be able to relate to the person regardless of what caused the relationship to not work, and still like the person well enough to process all this with them. It isn’t easy and it isn’t for everyone.
It might seem ideal, but we don’t have to live ideal lives – we just have to live real lives. If you do breakup, just break up altogether. It is okay.
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