Welcome to the end of another mad, bad and wonderfully-bonkers week in showbiz! From Strictly's suspect line-up to Pricey's big day out at court, there's been so much going on, it would be a crime not to take two mins to reflect. So join me, Daily Mirror Columnist Jessica Boulton, for Jess Saying, my witty, whimsical and oh-so wry round-up of the scandalous showbiz week..
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Strictly seems to have adopted a novel approach to diverting attention from the ongoing pro-dancer scandals. For each day this week, the under-fire show has been drip-feeding the names of this year’s contestants. And the Beeb’s finally managed to distract its haters in the most effective way possible.
.. by giving them something else to moan about.
Yes, they’ve been playing so fast and loose with the term “celebrity”, it’s like being promised a cha-cha with hunky pro Aljaz and getting a dad dance from Ed Balls instead. To recap, the line-up currently includes: a 2022 Love Islander runner-up who once dated Giovanni Pernice (Tasha Ghouri); a doctor (Dr Punam Krishan) who has appeared on Morning Live, the BBC’s lesser-talked about answer to This Morning; the 2005 winner of The X Factor (Shayne Ward); an Olympic swimmer who is not Adam Peaty (Tom Dean); and one of the last two from JLS they’ve not yet had on the show (JB Gill). I know what critics will say: The joy of the show is sharing a contestant's “journey” , no matter who they are.
So I’ll get on board – for now. But it won't be long before I'm begging for a pit stop, so I can say "Foxtrot Oscar" to a few. ITV’s latest commission is rather ironic.
Because they’ve really made sure they don’t make a loss on their latest game show. First, they’ve gone for a reboot of one of the most popular shows of its age..
. And then, they’ve splashed the cash on golden duo Holly Willoughby and Stephen Mulhern . For a show about taking a gamble, it’s less You Bet, more Safe Bet.
Gladiators followed in Strictly’s fancy footsteps and also released the line-up for its celebrity special this week. The bravest foursome in showbiz are..
. Rob Beckett, Joel Dommett, Louise Minchin and Ted Lasso star Ellie Taylor . Oh.
Yep, I’m afraid, it’s another massive letdown. A real missed opportunity. Not because they’re not good names – (I mean, you don’t even have to Google most of them!) – but because they are good people .
What was the Beeb thinking? No one wants to see celebs we actually like be jumped on by Nitro in the Gauntlet, or walloped with a pugil stick by Legend. No, this is one show where we do want the gig to go to some of the worst celebs on the reality TV rota. Just think how many more would tune in if it were Nigel Farage, Prince Andrew and Matt Hancock facing off against the mighty, mad Viper? Heck, I’d even hook up the old video recorder to make sure I had that preserved for posterity.
Katie Price’s return from her working holiday/Turkey face tuck meant only one thing for the model mum: trouble. Big trouble. The courts were quick to issue a warrant for her arrest last week, after she chose to bake in the Mediterranean sun rather than be grilled at her latest bankruptcy hearing.
And when she flew back to the UK on Thursday, there was much speculation over how exactly the police would decide to execute it. Sadly, it turned out, not as well as we might like. There were no racing squad cars blaring sirens, just a calm, measured, dull, damp squib of an arrest: as she sat in a police van chatting to officers.
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. without a handcuff in sight. And on Friday the drama was also over as quick as it began.
Katie was hauled before the courts (via a video link) to face the music. But just like every time before - the only bars she'll now be banging on at night, are ones serving her favourite tipple. Yep, it seems Katie Price is harder to jail than Trump.
Okay, maybe this time it wasn't warranted, but people have spent time inside for less. And it's the poor bosses of her rumoured new reality show I feel sorry for. They just can't catch a break.
Imagine, Katie Price as a (literal) new face in the local women's jail...
. That would have been TV gold. But even her apprehension at Heathrow Airport won't exactly make for the most arresting television.
If only the police had been a little more creative when executing the warrant . My choice? Undercover cops at the arrivals gate. The scene directs itself: A Love Actually-style panoramic of all the slushy reunions, a tracking shot of Katie walking through “nothing to declare” (or as KP would call it: “Nothing to declare *Unless You’re Offering Me A Book Deal), and a poignant pause as the music suddenly swells.
For a second, a delighted Katie locks eyes with a strapping young man holding a bunch of flowers and a sign with her name on. She smiles. Then – wham! – we go in for the close-up as the penny drops: The hunky chauffeur’s a cop, the only flashy thing about this airport pick-up are the lights on its roof, and the flowers are forget-me-nots from the judge.
Of course, it didn’t go quite like that. But it's best I say no more. Not because of legal reasons: The court discharged the warrant on Friday when she pinky promised to be at the next hearing.
But because of that other golden rule...
“If you can’t think of anything nice to say...
don’t say anything at all.” Although to be fair, if I stuck to that one, Katie would never make the column again. I’m taking a leaf out of Strictly’s book dictionary when it comes to Friday’s “celeb”.
Because Olympic weightlifter Emily Campbell may not be the biggest name in Team GB just yet. But she’s going for gold this weekend, and is determined to lift up her fellow plus-size women while she’s at it. (I mean, figuratively, obviously.
) For, the 30-year-old has this week been calling out sizeist sportswear companies who only stock gym kits up to a modest size 16/18 – revealing she’s actually been asked to endorse well-known brands who don’t make clothes to fit her. And it gets worse. Their suggested solution? To make Emily a special one-off outfit just for their campaign.
“How can I promote it? And then a girl goes on the website and can’t buy it!” she asked on Jamie Laing’s Great Company podcast this week. “That’s ridiculous! I want [them] to make bigger clothes for girls to be able to fit into .” It’s surely not asking too much.
But as a plus-size myself, I know she’s right . Some sports brands would prefer I wore a lovely two-berth from their camping aisle rather than add a couple of extra inches to their leggings. It's daft - plus-size is no small market (no pun intended).
So those brands who are stuck in their skinny girl rut are making a mistake. A big mistake, big, huge..
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Possibly the biggest blunder in retail, since that snobby shop assistant in Pretty Woman, in fact. What’s this! A brazen #MeToo moment right out in the open on the red carpet? No, fortunately, this one isn’t a scandal for Gossip Girl. It’s just its former star Blake Lively , giving her hubby Ryan Reynolds a cheeky squeeze on the red carpet during Tuesday’s New York premiere of her new film It Ends With Us .
I suppose it’s fitting. Ryan does seem like quite a handful..
. Meanwhile, mum-of-four Blake has certainly been earning her wage on the press circuit this week. She invited her co-star's unknown girlfriend into red carpet group shots, she readjusted reporters’ jewellery before they went on camera, she raved like a fangirl while wearing Britney Spears’ vintage dress, and, at Thursday’s London premiere , she even gave one lucky superfan, below, the shirt off her back.
(Or rather the red fluffy shawl.) Yep, if you hadn’t fallen for Blake by the end of this week’s charm offensive, there’s only one explanation: you’re a muppet. Or more specifically, you’re Elmo .
.. Why? Well, because I fear that shawl answers a question the young muppet's fans have been asking for years: What the heck happened to his parents? Got a comment? Share your views on the showbiz week in the comments or via @JessicaBoulton on X and Instagram.
