“Why didn’t you bring me any sugar?” asked the woman sitting by herself at the end of the bar. I scanned her place setting: appetizer plate, bread plate, fork, knife and spoon. All the basics.
Then there were the not-so-basics: water without ice, two pieces of bread, an unused straw, four untouched sauces and a bottled premium tea. “We don’t serve sugar with that tea,” I said, leaving out the “because it’s already sweetened” part. “Would you like some?” I added.
“Tea always comes with sugar,” she said, her words dripping with injury. “This is not good service,” she said. In that moment, I could have gone several different directions.
The one I chose was one I learned many years back from another guy sitting at another bar. That guy sat with his date, and it seemed pretty obvious from her folded arms that things weren’t going well. “You just don’t seem to care very much,” she said.
He nodded while fishing around his plate of chicken wings for the biggest one. Holding it up, his face beamed with gratification once he found it. “Are you listening to me?” she asked.
“Uh huh,” he replied, chewing noisily on his fat chicken wing. “Are you going to do anything about it?” she asked. He chewed, and then he chewed and then he chewed some more.
“Do you guys need moist towelettes?” I had asked, noting the mess he was making. “Yes, please,” said the man with the most enthusiasm he had shown all night. The next five to 10 minutes were eaten up by the arrival of the towels, the application of the moistness and its removal.
He sat back self-satisfied. She looked at him with folded arms. “Well?” she asked.
“Well, what?” he asked. “Are you going to do something about it?” “Do you want dessert?” he asked his date. “This isn’t working out,” she said.
Often people bring their significant others to public places like bars and restaurants to break up with them. I guess the belief is that with a crowd around no one will act out inappropriately. In fact, that seems to be the basis for the entire “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” franchises; the whole show is them breaking up with people in public.
Only on the final episode does anyone stay together — at least for a while. It may make popular TV, but in person it is quite awkward. “How about flan?” the man asked.
“You never listen,” she said. This went on for the next 20 minutes or so. “I’m serious, this isn’t working out,” she said.
“You’ve got flan on your face,” he said, wiping her face with a napkin. That was on Tuesday. The next Wednesday, the same sort of thing played out in almost exactly the same way — except this time it was calamari and creme brulee.
“I don’t think we are working out,” she said at least three separate times, all continually interrupted by coursing and cocktails. Meanwhile, he watched the game. And he commented on the service.
And he sent back the ribs. Now I have seen couples who come in together but don’t actually interact with each other. Their social interaction with each other all happens through the server.
He’s on his phone, she’s looking around or the other way around. But at least those couples are together nominally. This was different.
She didn’t want to be together anymore. “I thought we were going to talk?” she asked. “We are talking,” he replied with the most direct answer I had heard him yet utter.
“I want to see other people,” she said. “This beer is flat,” he said to me. Another beer later: “Did you hear me?” “Yes, you want to talk,” he said.
“No, the other thing.” “What other thing?” She got up and went to the restroom. “Is everything all right?” I asked eventually.
“Yes, this beer is much better,” he responded. “Not that,” I said. “Yeah, I know,” he said.
“Are you going to do something?” I asked, truly concerned about his nonchalance. “I’m going to do what I always do when I hear something I don’t like,” he answered. “And what’s that?” “I am going to pretend like I didn’t hear it,” he responded.
Leaving me with these thoughts: • “Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing,” once said Oscar Wilde. • The internet has taught us that tone and tenor are almost as important as context. That’s why there are emojis.
• Avoidance might only work for the short term in an interpersonal relationship. But in a series of short-term relationships, such as restaurant service, it sure works great. • Those two are still together, so to speak, many years later.
Jeff Burkhart is the author of “Twenty Years Behind Bars: The Spirited Adventures of a Real Bartender, Vol. I and II,” the host of the Barfly Podcast on iTunes (as seen in the NY Times) and an award-winning bartender at a local restaurant. Follow him at jeffburkhart.
net and contact him at [email protected].
