Red Bull? Quaffed. Goal? Scored. Cristian Romero? “F—k off”.
This wasn’t so much vintage Jamie Vardy as pure Vardy, 70 per cent proof Skittles Vardy, back for the “Chat shit? Get banged” farewell tour. He’s not just raging against the dying of the light, he’s absolutely fuming. Move aside the Premier League’s itinerant irritant Neal Maupay, the king of English footballing comedy would like his crown back.
Even at 37, or perhaps especially at 37, Vardy remains a bona fide box office package, the now-veteran troublemaker who never had any intention of growing up, the greatest example of football’s meritocratic power who continues to reject its sharpest professional edges. Maupay has been a worthy interregnum replacement while Vardy was touring Deepdale and the Liberty Stadium, but not being able to back up his Twitter digs and celebration thievery with consistent excellence somewhat removes their meaning and substance. Read Next Inside Leicester’s nightmare Premier League preparations Meanwhile against Tottenham on Monday, Vardy returned from a month-long injury absence to score his 103rd Premier League goal since turning 30, comfortably the most ever.
He’s also managed the third-most top-flight goals since his first appearance in 2014 (137), behind only Harry Kane (200) and Mo Salah (155). The man who used to make prosthetic splints has no great need to be such a menace – this is all about a love of the game. Vardy told Steve Cooper it “wasn’t sitting right with him” that Leicester would start their Premier League season without a recognised striker.
Whether he was telling the truth of not, he declared himself fit having not played formally since May to score his side’s first, nearly add a second and only be dragged off after 79 minutes. And it was in the exit we were reminded of Vardy’s true gift as a wind-up merchant. He said post-match Leicester gave the visitors “a bit too much respect” in the first half, but there was no risk of that here.
First he pointed at the Premier League logo on his sleeve, then signalled “one” with his index finger. That digit was then aimed at the Spurs support, who were shown a large 0. He might as well have taken the stadium announcer’s mic just to start singing “Who came third in a two-horse race?” Jamie Vardy is well and truly back in the Premier League 😅 pic.
twitter.com/UDDHlGd65a He then turned his attention to Romero, who didn’t require a lip-reader to establish what Vardy was telling him to do, repeatedly. Now, none of this was subtle or mature or sophisticated, but the beauty of Vardy is he doesn’t want to be any of those things.
Through no fault of the players, the Premier League is suffering from a personality void, the product of overwhelming sanitisation through media control and most young talents having to sacrifice so much of themselves to “make it”. Charisma is not encouraged. Bukayo Saka is perhaps the most universally popular English player simply by being polite, smiley and self-effacing.
Those are all wonderful traits, but where are the players who will do what commentators are obliged to tell us “no-one wants to see”? Read Next 'We're junkies for chaos': The siege mentality embedded in Leeds United's DNA This may be Vardy’s final Premier League season – he was only given a one-year contract extension last summer – but he’s clearly intending to make the most of it. His last top-flight season produced just three goals, but he proved against Spurs he is still remarkably capable of inflicting damage on the “Big Six”, as is his trademark. Cooper said he still ranks near the top of Leicester’s speed tests.
“As long as I keep looking after myself and as long as my legs still feel great when I come into training in the morning, games at the weekend, then I’ll carry on for as long as physically possible,” Vardy explained after the game. And so the man who once snapped a “Rainbow Laces” corner flag then signed it and told Leicester’s LGBT+ supporters group to “keep up the good work”, the husband of Wagatha Christie sensation Rebekah and a Premier League, Golden Boot and FA Cup winner lives to mock another day. Football needs more Vardys, more fun, more players who don’t take themselves too seriously while giving the fans and their teammates the utmost respect.
In its constant hunt for narrative, for headlines, for attention and eyeballs and love, the Premier League should be working tirelessly to discover the next Vardy, whether that’s in an academy or back at Stocksbridge Park Steels. Instead they encourage repression and suppression, drip-feeding personality via official club and league channels through approved activities filmed from four angles. In a headphone advert from Christmas 2015, perhaps peak Vardymania, he was asked about the best gift he’s ever got someone.
“The best present I’ve ever given is myself. I’m just giving it to everyone.” And really, that’s all we ever wanted.
Jamie Vardy? The gift that keeps on giving..
