(CNN): I get that you all love coffee. I get that you think it tastes delicious and that the day only begins after your first cup. It’s a hug in a mug! It’s coffee o’clock! I get that some people enjoy it so much they’re willing to splash at least 17.
5% of their disposable income on it. I get that you probably have your favorite coffee shop and your own reusable coffee cup (if you can stop at just one). I get that you have a specific order that rarely changes.
Knowing what you’re like, you coffee fiend, you probably even have a preferred hectare of rainforest to source your coffee beans from. And I get that too. I wish I felt the same way.
Here’s the thing: I like a lot of things associated with coffee. I adore the smell of coffee. I like the vibe in some coffee shops.
I like those machines with chrome pipes and pressure dials that hiss and splutter out their tantalizing dark liquids. I like the energy of the tattooed baristas who angrily bang out the spent grounds from the previous cup before lovingly drawing a portrait of your face in the foam of your cappuccino. I like the paraphernalia – the French presses, the glass jugs, the filters, the tamps and those delicious little Lotus biscuits that often come on the side.
I love it all, I really do. I love it all right up until the moment I take a sip, at which point I confirm once again what I’ve always known. Coffee is utterly disgusting.
I have tried to enjoy coffee. Evangelical coffee snobs of various stripes.
