Many women see pregnancy announcements and tenderly reminisce about their own experiences or feel envious of the mother-to-be. Many women see an expecting mother and think of a dream fulfilled. Many women see a pregnant belly and are drawn to it, often wanting to touch it.
I am not one of those women. I see pregnancy announcements and experience a visceral negative reaction related to my overwhelming terror of miscarriages, stillbirths, diseases and illnesses. I see an expecting mother and envision unbearable pain, ripping, bleeding and screaming.
I see a pregnant belly and my instinct is to retreat to avoid any possibility of being invited to touch it. I have an extreme fear of pregnancy and giving birth. I’m not just talking about the nerves that many women have around the subject ― I don’t know any woman who doesn’t have at least some level of anxiety about how her body will change during pregnancy and all the things that could go wrong during childbirth.
It seems everyone has heard a horror story or two that sticks with them. What I’m talking about is severe, debilitating fear. I cry when even considering the possibility of getting pregnant.
I feel physically ill at the idea of a body growing in my core. Being even one day late for my period can trigger a panic attack. The thing is, I don’t hate kids.
On the contrary: I have always loved children and embraced their imaginations and happily taken on the role of “monster” or “princess” or whatever charac.
