Everyone has that one friend who never stays single for long. As soon as they break up with one person, they’re on to the next, switching partners so often it can be difficult to keep up. It can be whiplash-inducing, sure, but it also fits into a broader cultural pattern: most of us will experience several exclusive relationships over the course of our lives, especially with marriage rates on the decline.
As renowned psychotherapist Esther Perel has noted, “monogamy used to mean one person for life; now monogamy means one person at a time.” Still, most experts agree that there’s a fine line between moving through a handful of serious relationships and engaging in “serial monogamy,” as that endless partner-hopping is known. In fact, as Kinsey-certified sexologist Dr.
Tara Suwinyattichaiporn argues, the pattern “can indicate challenges in forming healthy, stable relationships.” But what, exactly, is serial monogamy? And what should you do if you suspect that you might be a serial monogamist? Here’s what to know. What is serial monogamy? Serial monogamy is not defined by the number of exclusive relationships one enters into, but by how little time elapses between them.
“Serial monogamy is the act of constantly moving from one relationship to another without taking any time at all to heal, grow and reflect,” explains licensed marriage and family therapist Adrienne L. Marshall. “It doesn’t matter how long the relationship lasts; whether it’s six months or six years, a serial monogamist will immediately jump right into another relationship after the previous one has ended.
” On average, most secure people will spend anywhere from several months to several years single or casually dating after a significant relationship ends. A serial monogamist, on the other hand, is unlikely to go without a partner for more than a few weeks or months. In some cases, they may not break up with their current partner until they have another potential paramour lined up.
“It’s common for serial monogamists to not have been single for more than a couple of months at a time since their teens,” notes Sophie Roos, a licensed sexologist, relationship therapist and sexual health expert. Signs of serial monogamy “While it may seem obvious to family and friends, many people are unaware that they are indeed serial monogamists,” explains sex therapist Dr. Shamyra Howard.
Here are other common signs: Is serial monogamy bad? Serial monogamy isn’t always a sign that something is wrong—but it can definitely be a red flag. “The tricky thing about serial monogamists is that they may sincerely just prefer relationships to casual dating,” says Marshall. “There is nothing wrong with that.
However, the red flag shows up when a person has not given themselves time to breathe and reflect on the healing and self-improvement that may be necessary.” Most relationships end for a good reason, and taking time to examine the part we played in the dynamic enables us to learn from our mistakes and avoid making them again. Time alone is also essential for truly moving on.
“It is important to process any relationship we find ourselves in, regardless of the length, commitment and monogamous status,” says psychotherapist Briana Paruolo. Equally important is the ability to be alone without seeking validation from others; there’s a reason the old adage “if you can’t be happy single, you won’t be happy in a partnership” still holds. As psychotherapist Ken Fierheller says, “It’s not necessarily bad to enjoy having a monogamous partner.
What is bad, however, is if a person truly cannot enjoy or even function without an exclusive partner. The ability to be single happily is important.” Ultimately, a person’s inability to be comfortable alone could be a sign that they have underlying attachment or self-esteem issues that actually make it challenging for them to sustain a relationship long-term.
“These traits can contribute to the breakdown of a relationship over time, as they affect the relationship’s overall connection,” explains Howard. “This breakdown in connection can cause relational issues that spill over into other relationships and even into different areas of intimacy, including the bedroom.” Causes of serial monogamy All of us long for connection, intimacy and love.
A serial monogamist, however, may be addicted to the initial flush of love yet harbour subconscious fears that prevent them from sustaining a healthy bond after the butterflies disappear. “Past traumas or attachment injuries can cause someone to seek connection intensely, but later pull back from intimacy as things get real,” explains licensed marriage and family therapist Audrey Schoen. “The initial romantic phase can be intoxicating; we are focused on all of our partner’s positive traits.
During the second phase, we experience a kind of disillusionment as we start to see our partner’s faults and imperfections. As the shine fades, it can lead to feelings of disappointment and frustration.” It’s usually at this point—when things “get real”—that a serial monogamist cuts and runs.
“A lot of serial monogamists are avoiding some emotional heavy-lifting,” sex therapist Emily May says. “There’s often a deep-rooted fear of commitment or, more specifically, the loss of freedom and independence that comes with it.” A serial monogamist may also have a warped sense of relational value and an intense fear of loneliness—both of which are somewhat understandable, given the way our culture exalts coupledom.
They may have internalised family pressures, feel the tick-tock of the biological clock, or believe stereotypes that depict singles as unwanted, undesirable and unloved. “Many people are taught that they’re only as good as their relationships, so they view relationships as an indication of their inherent value or self-worth,” Howard says. How to break the cycle of serial monogamy The good news? Serial monogamists can definitely find deep, lasting love—it just takes introspection and self-work.
First, they must ask themselves if their constant string of romances is causing undue anxiety, chaos and stress. Then, they must consider if their patterns are actually sabotaging their chances of happiness. “Recognising the pattern is half the battle,” May says.
Next, the best thing to do is to stop dating completely. “I know, it’s like telling a kid to stay away from candy, but space is crucial,” says May. “I tell my clients to really sit with the discomfort of being single.
Spend time figuring out what you actually want from a relationship that isn’t just about avoiding loneliness.” The hiatus from dating needn’t last forever; the point is to learn to be securely alone in order to securely attach later. “In my experience, it’s only after self-reflection that someone can build a relationship based on more than just the initial chemistry,” May says.
“Therapy helps a lot here, especially when it comes to recognising patterns and dealing with underlying emotional fears. Learning to be emotionally independent is a huge step.” When a recovering serial monogamist is ready to date again, the next step is to take it slow.
“Like, really slow,” May says. “No need to plan a future after date three.” After all, serial monogamy isn’t the worst thing in the world; it is totally normal and beautiful to crave connection, intimacy and romance.
Self-sabotage, on the other hand, isn’t so sweet—especially when it leaves behind a string of broken hearts. Unhealthy patterns, unhappiness, and unhealed wounds are always worth exploring—and sometimes that means taking the time to dig a little deeper alone. This article first appeared on Vogue.
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