I was a child star scoring my first TV role aged 11 - it led to a life of body dysmorphia that I still suffer from aged 39 Holly Matthews runs The Happy Me Project, helping women build confidence Read More: I lost my husband to a rare brain tumour at just 32 By Holly Matthews Published: 07:47, 16 September 2024 | Updated: 08:14, 16 September 2024 e-mail 1 View comments Walking onto a TV set for my first day was daunting. I was just 11 years old and had recently been cast on a popular UK children's drama, Byker Grove. As a pre-teen in the 90s, I was very unaware of how to do my hair or make-up and had very little knowledge of fashion of the time (other than what I saw my school friends wear).
I remember stepping into the bright make-up room and feeling so small next to the older (more experienced) girls in the cast. They were only a few years older than me but they seemed so sophisticated and self-assured, while I held back, unsure of what to do. The make-up artist showered them with compliments: 'Your hair looks amazing!' 'Wow, you look so beautiful' and then she turned to me and said 'Oh you've got really bad skin, we'll have to cover that'.
I felt my face burn red. Sadly, that one moment would have a profound impact on the next ten years of my life. Coventry-based actress Holly Matthews, who runs The Happy Me Project, helping women build their confidence, revealed being on TV made her develop body dysmorphia Growing up on TV meant that for six months of the year (the time it took to film a series) I had someone 'correcting' my face and the other six months were spent seeing my face on TV and being very conscious of people looking at me.
These days, we're used to seeing people on screens and we have all grown very accustomed to staring at our own faces, but social media wasn't even an idea back then and being on TV meant that people did stare, and it was unusual. So, from an early age I began seeing my body through the eyes of other people. Would this look good in the costume? Would this look good on screen? Would this be allowed by the producers? And I almost saw myself and my body as a product, a character that I needed to paint, chop and adapt to fit the version the world needed me to be.
I now understand this is called 'self-objectification'. Self-objectification is where a person views themselves as a physical object first and a human being second, an object to be viewed and evaluated based upon appearance. As a result, they can be hyper-critical of their body.
During my teenage years, I could have regaled you with the long list of 'plastic surgeries' and 'treatments' I needed to have; a list that included breast implants and 'ankle implants' (I'm not entirely sure 'ankle implants' have ever been a thing). The problem with this type of hyper-critical negative thinking is that our brains are wired by something called 'confirmation bias', so when I began thinking negatively about my physical appearance I started to see 'confirmation' of this wherever I went. A blonde glamour model with big breasts? Well, that was proof of how ugly I was.
A comment about how I looked like my Dad - that would mean I looked like a boy and wasn't feminine. Matthews started her career in the BBC children's drama Byker Grove, portraying the role of Emma Miller from 1995 to 2003. In 2003, she left the series to pursue a singing career after signing to Sony UK, and released a single, 'Little Miss Perfect' Holly, 39, runs the award-winning The Happy Me Project, helping women build their confidence Holly was cast on the popular UK children's drama, Byker Grove (pictured with castmate Andrew Hayden Smith) On one occasion I overheard a relative saying they thought my sister was more 'naturally pretty' than me and this translated to me as 'you will always have to TRY to look pretty'.
For years I was obsessed with how I looked: fake tan, plucking, shaving, waxing, lashes, acrylic nails, straightening my naturally wavy hair, make-up...
and any thought of leaving the house without all these boxes ticked was abhorrent to me. Boys started to take notice and, by my late teens, I had perfected my outward persona of confidence, and I was way more likely to have the 'she loves herself' tag thrown my way than the turmoil I was feeling internally. Every day was full of self-criticism and scrutiny.
I checked the mirror constantly and was always looking for the 'flaw' that would give me away, or show people I wasn't 'naturally pretty'. In my late teens and early twenties, I had begun to be consumed by this body dysmorphia. I couldn't see what other people saw in me and every time I looked in the mirror, all I could see was something to change, fix and correct.
It was utterly exhausting and meant I would get up at excruciating hours of the day to make sure I had executed my painstaking ritual of getting ready and could leave the house. Holly said in her teens she was full of 'Every day was full of self-criticism and scrutiny' Holly came up with the concept of The Happy Me Project in order to help people struggling with grief after she lost her husband, Ross Thankfully during these years, I had also recognised that how I felt wasn't healthy or productive and had begun doing therapy and reading self-development books in order to change. I wanted ways to shift the internal noise.
This work began to have an impact, and I was more confident in my appearance, even daring to sometimes go without make-up or tan some days but just when I thought I had got to a place where I could like myself and my body I became pregnant with my first daughter, Brooke, who is now 13. I couldn't see what other people saw in me and every time I looked in the mirror, all I could see was something to change, fix and correct. Holly Matthews Pregnancy body was fun, I didn't mind being pregnant and it was almost a novelty to have a body that was bigger (having been a smaller person all my life), the challenge for me mentally came once my daughter had arrived and my body 'deflated' into its new normal.
I had done all of the beauty 'hacks' I'd been taught to avoid stretch marks and saggy skin, I'd been the 'good girl' and I believed on some level that I deserved to have my body back exactly as it was before pregnancy. But as I stared at my post pregnancy stomach in the mirror, with red raw 'scratches' crawling up my stomach I sobbed. This felt like failure.
The next day I booked myself into Harley Street for a consultation. I was a size 6 and back into my pre-pregnancy jeans almost immediately, yet my dysmorphic research had led me to the conclusion that what I needed was a 'mini tummy tuck'. Just sharing that feels so sad and embarrassing.
I can feel the collective judgement of people reading this and there is so much shame attached to this moment. Find Your Confidence: The No-Nonsense Guide To Self-Belief by Holly Matthews will be out on 16 September by Bloomsbury Publishing Holly has built a new life with her adorable daughters Texas (left) and Brooke (right) The mother-of-two believes in the power of positive thinking, even when faced with extremely dark times I sat nervously in Harley Street for my consultation. I explained my concerns and desires to cut away the stretch marks and lose the weight I had gained through pregnancy to a compassionate woman.
Read More Margaret Qualley admits she was 'wasted' on tequila and weed while filming scene in The Substance I felt she understood my plight, she listened and then she politely told me she was refusing me for surgery because I did not need a 'tummy tuck' and told me to give myself time to process the new body. This was the kindest thing this woman could have done for me, and it was my wake up call that once again I had slipped into this hyper critical stance that did not match what the world saw. Does that mean I skipped away loving my stretch marks and never having a day where I was critical of my body again? Of course not, but over the years since that day I have worked on my mind far more than any external changes and the impact on my wellbeing has been phenomenal.
So much so that I now share my own lessons and journey towards likening myself and it's a whole chapter in my new book (possibly the hardest to write). Let me share the key things I did initially that started to change my mind: Holly said she started focusing on what her body could do and was compassionate about its journey STOP, DELETE and EDIT. Hear what your inner critic says 'You're so ugly, you can't wear that' STOP, DELETE the critical sentence and REPLACE with something BETTER, 'I look OK' 'I suit the colour yellow' and work from there.
Accepted compliments with a THANK YOU and without going into a slew of all the reasons I'm the opposite of what they just said. Stopped reading beauty and gossip magazines (as director Baz Luhrmann read out in Everybody's Free: 'They will only make you feel ugly!') But most importantly I focused on what my body could do and was compassionate about its journey. Holly Matthews, 39, runs the award-winning The Happy Me Project, helping women build their confidence.
Find Your Confidence: The No-Nonsense Guide To Self-Belief by Holly Matthews will be out on 16 September by Bloomsbury Publishing Share or comment on this article: I was a child star scoring my first TV role aged 11 - it led to a life of body dysmorphia that I still suffer from aged 39 e-mail Add comment.
