Sex & Love · Posted 1 minute ago People Who Divorced Over Problems In The Bedroom Are Sharing Their Stories "I really loved my ex-husband, but I’m still sad that, ultimately, sex (or lack thereof) is what broke us apart." by Fabiana Buontempo BuzzFeed Staff Link Facebook Pinterest Twitter Mail Being sexually compatible and satisfied is often very high on someone's list of things they want in a relationship or marriage. I recently asked those of the BuzzFeed Community who ended their relationship or marriage over intimacy issues to share their story with me.
Here is what they shared: 1. "My (now ex) partner of two years first described herself as very active in the bedroom — it turns out that was never really true. I'm not sure if she didn't know herself or thought she needed to present herself a certain way, but she wasn't actually interested in sex more than once a week (at most, and often not even once a month).
I would prefer to have sex every day, which I was upfront about. Her truth didn't come out until months into the relationship, and even then she wasn't completely honest." "This was compounded by the fact that she was a lazy partner who didn't care about my pleasure and often made cruel comments about my natural smell (never an issue with others and not a grooming issue).
I should also mention that we are both women. It wasn't until some really frustrating conversations that I realized she had issues with the smell of every partner she'd ever had. After a failed break-up attempt and another birthday passing, feeling like nothing was going to change (sex and other issues), I prioritized myself and my pleasure by leaving her.
" —Maya, 31 2. "I'm asexual. He thought he could 'fix me.
' Spoiler alert: he couldn't." —Anonymous, 45 3. "My ex-husband and I had amazing sexual chemistry when we got together initially.
We dated for a year and a half before we eloped, and almost a year later, I was pregnant. It was a hard pregnancy for me physically. Unfortunately, I experienced some complications during the laboring (of my beautiful 10lb 10oz baby) that resulted in damage to my pelvic floor.
My OBGYN (former) was not very helpful, so it took over four years for me to learn that I had interstitial cystitis. During that time, sex was incredibly painful, like sharp knives were stabbing me in my stomach and pelvis." Willie B.
Thomas / Getty Images "Eventually, even the thought of being intimate would make me anxious, which only made me more tense and made things worse. I remember feeling like my body and my womanhood was betraying me. Rather than being my support during this time, my ex-husband began to withdraw.
He spent much time at work and with his friends and was very disconnected from our baby. He even asked one doctor if this was 'all in my head.' I understand he must have been frustrated — I was too — but it seemed like he just blamed and resented me for this issue.
I ended up going to physical therapy to address the pelvic floor pain, but by then, it was too late, and we filed for divorce before we were ever intimate again. I really loved my ex-husband, but I’m still sad that, ultimately, sex (or lack thereof) is what broke us apart." —Anonymous 4.
"He wanted to have sex all the time, and I just didn’t want to. I would give in twice a week, then it turned into once a week, and he kept the pressure on every day, which made me want to do it less and less. The pressure was so high that I started not wanting to see him.
I would dread spending time with him because I knew what was coming. After two years of suffering through spending time with him (and five years total), I finally found the courage to leave. It was such a relief.
If I hadn’t been pressured to have sex as much as I was, I probably would have wanted it more." —Ryan, 37 5. "My ex and I were together for four years, and we were engaged for two of those years.
But after a year and a half, I moved in with her. The sex started to fizzle out. It got so bad that she wouldn’t even let me give her a hug around the waist.
She was much taller than me so that’s where my arms naturally fell, but she would slide her arms inside mine and push them apart. I couldn’t spoon her and put my arm around her, she didn’t want to spoon me, I couldn’t touch her at all because she was so uncomfortable in her own skin. I have a very high sex drive, and I always have, so it’s something that we talked about, and she even started using a testosterone analgesic to up her sex drive.
But she still wouldn’t let me touch her at all because she had such severe body dysmorphia. That was more than ten years ago." "Now, he has completely transitioned from female to male.
He is married to a woman who was his coworker at the time, and they have adopted two children. I have no idea if his sex drive changed once he fully transitioned gender identities, but I guess that had been the problem all along. In every other way, this was the greatest relationship I have ever been in.
He understood me on a level no one else had before or had since. But intimacy differentiates between a friend and a partner, a couple, or a significant other. And without that intimacy, I couldn’t stay in the relationship, no matter how good everything else was.
I still wonder if I made a mistake by leaving." —Anonymous 6. "They were mostly boring, but there were other issues too.
I'd suggest things to try and ask them what they wanted, and they would express interest in the conversation but never in the actual acts. To make it worse, they would then get insecure because it was obvious we weren't really satisfied together and then blame me for not wanting them (which wasn't true; I just wanted them to show some enthusiasm other than laying therewith, a 'whatever you want' attitude and an excuse afterward). Classic gaslighting, I know.
" Irinamunteanu / Getty Images/RooM RF —Anonymous, 38 7. "He wanted to start and drive. Never did he heat up the engine before driving.
Sometimes, it was fun and interesting, but he was usually drunk. He also had premature ejaculation, so he was fine and done in 3-5 minutes and never worried if I was fine or satisfied. He would turn over or go clean up, come back, and fall asleep.
I tried talking to him, but he responded that it was sensitive. I agree, but this won't work for long if I don’t tell you what I want or need. Needless to say, he was selfish in other issues, so we are no longer together, but his selfishness in bed played a large part in our relationship being done.
" —Fany, 40 8. "It wasn't JUST the bedroom, of course. It's never that simple.
I took a vow that we would be married forever, and I took that very seriously, but the lack of intimacy was devastating. We were together for 14 years. The warning signs were so obvious now that I looked back at it but wasn't paying attention.
I met him when I was 18. I'd never slept with anyone before. I had a boyfriend in high school that I fooled around with all the time previously, but we never had sex.
My ex was fun and adventurous, but he was my age, so when this sexual experience was more reserved — I chalked it up to being more mature/less childish." "After we had been sleeping together for about two weeks, my older, more mature boyfriend told me we needed to talk and sat me down to explain that he thought we were having too much sex and that I was getting 'loose.' I was humiliated and completely devastated.
We began only having sex when he wanted so that wouldn't happen. Fast forward 14 years, we were averaging sex twice a year, maybe less. He wouldn't sit next to me anymore.
The last straw was when the same ex from all those years ago contacted me again. I told my then-husband about it as a lark. That night, feeling confident from the ego boost of my ex calling, I walked into our bathroom, got completely naked, did my hair and makeup, walked out to where he was sitting, crawled into his lap, and coyly said: 'Do you like my makeup?' in an obvious attempt to seduce him.
He looked at me and said: 'Yeah, but what are you going to do about your hair?' And gently moved me off his lap. Six months later, we divorced, and a few years later, I married that same ex from high school. The sex is still incredible, but more importantly, the connection is too.
" — Alabama, 38 9. "I left him because he was experiencing impotence and refused treatment for the underlying cause: untreated and undiagnosed hypertension. He thought he could cure himself by drinking alkaline water because he wanted to be 'natural.
' As a nurse, I know alkaline water changing your pH is a hoax. I tried telling him that, but he would not budge, so I broke up with him." "I told him that 49 is too young for impotence (that could have been treated/prevented), and I was not interested in a sexless relationship at 47.
If the tables were turned, he would have done the same thing. After all, we only dated for six months. I do not feel bad at all.
Sometimes I wonder is karma getting him for sowing such wild oats in his youth. He impregnated three women on the same day when he was 20!!! Anytime I run into him in public, he says that I am the one who got away." —Charice, 50 10.
"My ex-husband was never adequate in the bedroom, but I was so busy with my job and family that it wasn't a major issue. After 20 years of marriage, he began having 'wet dreams' and waking me up to change our bed sheets. I asked him why this was occurring, and he told me that he was fascinated with the idea of having sex with my mother and my younger sister at the same time and that this had most likely carried on into his sleep time.
I got all my ducks in a row, dotted my I's, crossed my T's, and left him. I've never looked back. I am now in a wonderful relationship with a man who makes me feel like a woman and knows how to get me 'there.
'" Delmaine Donson / Getty Images —Anonymous 11. "I knew after the first time my wife and I had sex. Her response was to go ahead because I know you want to, and at this point, I was already in love with her, so I was just happy that she allowed me to have her when, in reality, it was a big red flag.
Our future sex life depended on what I could do financially. She was never a willing partner but did it to make me happy. The final straw for me was when she told me I was too small and I needed to learn how to use it, and after 22 years (yes, I was blinded with love), I started having an affair to satisfy my needs and feel like a man again as she always told me she was 'dead' down there.
She knew from the beginning our physical relationship was very important to me." —Bill 12. "He released inside of me without my consent, and he has a very small penis.
" —Bennie, 30 13. "My wife completely lost interest in sex after menopause. It was painful, and she refused to share sexual activities that did not require intercourse.
I told her if she refused to have sex with me, I should be free to have sex with other women. She eventually reluctantly agreed but said, 'No woman would want you without the prospect of marriage.' When she found out she was wrong, she divorced me for fear of me running off with another woman and taking all my money with it (even though she managed the finances and had all the passwords).
" —Dave, 67 14. "I moved back from another state, and instead of getting my own place, I moved in with a wonderful guy I was casually dating before I moved away, with whom I'd kept in contact and visited. Everything felt great to start, but we never got sexual.
I made a few attempts in the first month to initiate things or to be sexy for him, but the emotional disconnect was jarring and mood-killing. I asked him about it, and he said he was just in his head about things, but he wouldn't let me in to understand more and left it at that. After six months of attempts going unreciprocated and my suspicions growing to notice his attempts were always at times that would make it inconvenient or place a short time limit on activity, my desire for him atrophied.
" Farknot_architect / Getty Images "It all boiled over for me this week after a frustrating night of not being given space to decompress from work, being ignored or having to wait very long for responses to conversations, and a particularly weird and frustrating exchange that ended with him asking if I wanted to go to the bedroom with him. No romance, no build-up, just intentional annoyance to reduce the likelihood I'd say yes. So I shot him down and realized I no longer wanted to be with him romantically when the idea of sex with him sounded more like disappointment and work than intimacy and pleasure.
I'm saving up, and once I'm back up in the next month to the amount I had saved when I moved back, I'm informing him that we're done and moving out. It's sad, but we had enough conversations where I expressed how important intimacy and a sexual connection are to me. Whatever kept him in his head and not seeing me in front of him will be his loss more than mine.
" —Ryan, 34 15. "My partner of five years had severe issues staying hard. It got to a point where I was so stressed about helping him keep his erection that I didn't pay attention to my own pleasure.
It took me too long to realize that I was just imitating porn that he liked, and the realization hit me hard. He never wanted to talk about our issues because of the stigma around erectile dysfunction, and it led to deep-rooted resentment between us. Our relationship ended after I was propositioned while out by myself, and I realized how unattractive and undesirable I felt.
If we had just discussed things and found something that would work for both of us, I wonder if things could have been different." —Anna, 26 Do you have a similar story you could share? If so, share it with me in the comment below. Share This Article Link Facebook Pinterest Twitter Mail.
