Dear Eva, I was with my ex for two years; we broke up last February. Since then, I’ve tried dating, but nobody even comes close to making me feel the way he did. We haven’t spoken for more than eight months, but I follow his life closely on social media, etc, so I know he’s not seeing anyone seriously now.
I’ve just got home from another drink with another boring guy who didn’t ask me anything about my life or even seem to listen when I told him about the books and culture I’m interested in. I’m wondering whether it was a sign I should give my ex another chance. Nobody else seems to understand me properly, or make me feel as smart or interesting.
I initiated the break-up, but now I can’t stop thinking about him. So..
. Should I give him a call? SB Got a question for Eva? Drop her an email, here: AskEva @ condenast . co .
uk. Dear SB, There is both frustration and comfort in ruminating on an ex. Frustration because it acts as a sort of erotic carousel, where you go round and round in constant motion, never moving forward.
And comfort because it is the stuff of memory, clean and preserved: details from one early morning when he brought you toast in bed, or a holiday when you watched Blade Runner and it rained all week, photographs fixed in your mind that you can return to like a favourite song. Comfort, also, because you can choose where in that relationship you want to return to, ignoring, say, the three months you spent furiously breaking up or the fight about money that forced you to stay at your friend Elaine’s house for two weeks despite her evil cat. If you were still in touch with your ex, and there had been conversations, however oblique, about the possibility of revisiting the relationship, or even meeting up as friends, I might encourage you to call him.
Maybe. But, since you haven’t spoken for the best part of a year, I’m inclined to think that what you’re missing is not him, but the validation you associate with him. You might be longing for someone to tell you you’re beautiful if, right now, you’re lacking confidence in your appearance, or to laugh at your jokes if you’re currently feeling misunderstood by friends, or, as you say, “make you feel smart” rather than ignore you when you discuss “books and culture”, as this recent date did.
Does this resonate at all? Could it be that you’re feeling unappreciated, your intelligence underestimated? If this is the case, it’s not the ex you need to work on, it’s (apologies for sounding like Carrie Bradshaw here, but I am of a certain age) yourself . If you’re super-aware right now of seeming “uninteresting”, it’s possible your life is feeling a little stagnant, a little dull. This could be a good time to invest in what we used to call “hobbies”, or expand your social group, or look at your routine and how you might be able to fiddle with it a little in order to make time for adventure.
If you think people are judging your intelligence, pay attention to your own self-esteem , and any relationships with those acquaintances who make you feel less than. But before that, you need to ease yourself off the carousel, and find ways to stop thinking about your ex. I’d start by unfollowing him on social media; that shit burrows its way into your brain in weird and unhelpful ways.
And then, go out. Go and meet people, go and do things; get into running, or volunteering, or Batik, the Indonesian technique of wax-resist cloth dyeing. Leave as little room for him as possible, and I promise you, soon (soonish), you’ll be free.
.
