What does emotional maturity in men look like? It involves awareness and understanding of our emotions, an ability to show empathy and set healthy boundaries, as well as being able to take responsibility and accept our vulnerability. When we have these skills, it makes it easier to communicate, react to difficult challenges in our life and deal with others’ emotions and issues. Emotional maturity gives us better coping skills when our emotions are heightened, and a more empathetic and understanding approach to others going through a similar experience.
Building emotional maturity starts at a young age. As parents we should encourage our sons to tell us what emotions they are experiencing. When they are crying or upset, we should ask questions such as, “I can see that your upset, would you like to tell me what is happening?” or “What are you feeling at the moment?” When we get an answer, it is important to reflect what we’ve have heard, validate the feelings, and show compassion and empathy to the experience.
For example, “What I’m hearing is that you are sad that your friends aren’t playing the game you want to, and I can see that you are upset. It must be difficult when they want to do something you don’t want to do. Do you think they would feel the same way if someone wasn’t playing a game they wanted to play?” By doing this, we begin to create a standard of how we talk to each other when we are experiencing heightened emotions.
A similar standard of communication needs to be established with partners. Some men may never have had the chance to express emotions, or have been told to “man up” when times have been tough, which leads to heavy emotions being bottled up. This learnt behaviour can be hard to change, and there can be fear in being vulnerable.
When trying to create a new standard, it is important that we make the person feel safe in what they are want to say or express. This means not correcting what they say, but letting them use their own words to express what they are experiencing. It is not about rescuing them, but rather letting them say what they need to say, keeping a curious line of questions, and seeing if they can come up with the answer or understanding themselves.
Let them know that what they have told you will stay safely with you, and validate and thank them for sharing what they are going through, as this could be the first time they have been able to share their inner thoughts and feelings. Homebuilders runs a father’s group, which is a six-week course that looks into relationship scripts and how we communicate, different parenting styles and techniques, child development and core values. Please visit www.
homebuildersfs.org and look at courses under the services tab for times and information on when the next course is starting..
