Dear Carol: I’m a husband and father living about 200 miles from my aging dad. Since my sister lives in his community, she checks on him daily, helps him with groceries, manages his medications, and takes him to appointments. I appreciate all she does.
Here’s the problem: Dad’s in reasonable health for someone in his late 80s, but during my last few visits, I’ve felt that his memory has slipped a lot. My sister says it’s just normal aging. How do I know if I’m overreacting as she says, or if she’s in denial about these changes? – GL Dear GL: Nearly everyone has days when they’re sharper than others, but older adults might show more variation.
This, of course, makes it harder to know if something is amiss or if the person is just having an off day. The good thing here is that you and your sister can look at your dad’s health through different lenses, but that also might lead to disagreements such as you’re seeing. I’ll state the obvious: Your sister has the advantage of seeing your dad daily.
If he mentions that he didn’t sleep well the night before, she'd then chalk his less than focused functioning up to sleep deprivation. She may be right, or there may be a gradual decline beyond normal aging that she isn’t noticing due to familiarity. Conversely, you might visit after a night when your dad didn’t sleep well due to arthritic pain or some other disturbance and misjudge his fuzzier than normal cognition, thinking it’s accelerated decline.
As with most of life’s issues, it’s likely that you're both right to some extent, so staying open-minded and ready to compromise is a good approach. How easily you do this depends on your overall relationship. Discuss with your sister in a non-confrontational way what you saw during your visit and why you’re concerned.
Remember that she’s making small judgments all the time about when he should see a doctor, what medications need updating, what appointments are coming up, and much more. While she no doubt appreciates your visits, to her you’re just “dropping in for a bit" and then deciding that you know more than she does. I realize that’s not your intent, but it would be understandable for her to feel this way.
Once you’ve made it clear how much you appreciate all she does, emphasize that you aren’t second-guessing her, and no criticism is implied. Just tell her that due to not seeing your dad for a while, certain things stand out, and probably should be addressed before long. A medication review should top the list.
All drugs have side effects, many of which can affect memory and thinking in older adults and some of these effects are increased as drugs are taken long-term. Any medications on the list that aren’t truly necessary at his age should be considered for reduced dosage or removal. This article discusses normal aging: betterhealthwhileaging.
net/how-brain-function-changes-with-normal-cognitive-aging. Your differing roles in your dad’s care can be to his benefit, GL. Best wishes!.
