DR MAX PEMBERTON: This is what NOT to say if your teen fails their GCSEs - and why now is when your parenting REALLY matters By Dr Max Pemberton For The Daily Mail Published: 20:49 EDT, 18 August 2024 | Updated: 20:54 EDT, 18 August 2024 e-mail View comments Thinking back to our adolescence, most of us recoil at the horror of it all. Hormones all over the place, a body that seems out of control, uncertainty about what you want in life and where you fit in the big scheme of things. Few of us would choose to go through all that again.
Particularly if you consider you’d also have to relive the horror of exams all over again. Last week, the media was full of lovely stories of students celebrating their A-level successes, but for every happy picture, there will be other teenagers currently in despair, their hopes and plans overturned by disappointing results. The story will be repeated this week with GCSE results too.
No matter what well-meaning family and friends may say about exams not being the be-all and end-all, for many youngsters this may be the first big hurdle they have faced – and it can seem overwhelming. Last week, the media was full of lovely stories of students celebrating their A-level successes, but for every happy picture there will be other teenagers currently in despair, their hopes and plans overturned by disappointing results But how can you best help as parent if your child is struggling with bad news? It’s important to remember that your role is not only to console – and literally provide a shoulder to cry on if need be – but also to help put things into perspective. Over the years I’ve seen many teenagers spiral after setbacks like poor exam grades.
Often the first sign is starting to self-isolate – they stop going out, seeing friends and spend more time at home, often in their bedrooms. Parents, understandably, often don’t want to interfere, or are wary of making the situation worse. Yet in fact this is often when a timely, kind intervention can nip things in the bud.
Rather than simply trying to downplay their upset, or provide them with a ready-made set of solutions, help them come up with a plan themselves. It can be very tempting to rush in and try to ‘make things better’. Yet however well-motivated such an approach may be, do try not to be too directive – you may end up pushing them down a route they don’t really want to take.
It’s also important that they feel in control and learn that they can find a way through adversity themselves, if they put their mind to it. Setbacks like these can, in fact, be positive learning experiences. And you can back this up with a bit of gentle guidance, reassurance and encouragement.
The reason that teenagers can struggle with such stressful situations is all down to the fact their brains are not yet fully developed. There are certainly those – such as the neuroscientist Sarah-Jayne Blakemore, a professor of psychology at Cambridge University – who believe such exams should be scrapped as it’s wrong to burden adolescents with pivotal exams at a time when their bodies and minds are already going through so much other emotional and physical change. While I am not sure how feasible ditching exams is, Professor Blakemore touches on an important point.
While teens themselves would doubtless disagree, however grown-up they may appear, they are still quite immature, at least as far as their brains are concerned. Of course there’s always an exception, but evidence from brain scans shows that their brains are far from fully formed. In particular, the prefrontal cortex – the area that deals with impulse control, delaying gratification, consequences and inhibiting inappropriate conduct – continues to develop well into their early 20s.
Evidence also shows this is particularly true for boys, whose prefrontal cortex generally takes longer than that of girls – it can be 25 before this area of a young man’s brain is fully mature. This means that although they know a behaviour is wrong or inappropriate, they lack the hardwiring in their brains to process the consequences as most adults would. So stressful events – like GCSE results – can be particularly tough.
How can you expect them to realise that what may seem earth-shattering now can be a tiny blip in only a few years? But there’s also another positive aspect to the fact the teenage brain is still a work-in-progress – and this is something I’d encourage parents and young people to hold on to. I have often seen teenagers struggling with mental health problems who, astonishingly, get better simply given time. Although mental health support can help, what’s really happened is their neurological development has caught up and enabled them to better manage and regulate their emotions.
It may sound unbelievable, but I have seen that time, and a supportive environment, can enable a troubled teenager’s brain to continue to grow and eventually develop neurological connections so they can successfully deal with overwhelming emotions, rather than experiencing them as catastrophic. Looking back, it can seem nothing short of miraculous to see the transformation that time and perspective can bring to a young adult. I’m all for Martina adopting I’ll admit I initially wrestled with the ethics of Martina Navratilova adopting two young boys at the pensionable age of 67.
Surely, I pondered, this is too old to keep up with the physical demands of childhood (something I’d wonder about older dads, too). Martina Navratilova and her wife Julia Lemigova would offer stability to any child they adopted But then I thought a bit more. She’s been married to her wife for nearly ten years, so they offer stability.
And with her sporting history, she could probably out pace many of the unfit-looking parents half her age I see at a school near me. Apart from that I’ve known many children brought up by grandparents and it’s been the making of them. Being brought up by someone that bit older, wiser, more confident and less bothered about fads, can be a hugely positive experience.
Less attractive people live shorter lives than those deemed more attractive, research shows. This adds insult to injury for those not blessed with beauty – studies have shown the lovely-looking are likelier to be thought intelligent and to earn more. But those of us who fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch shouldn’t despair – it’s not all good news in the land of the lovely.
Studies have also shown people tend to attribute their success to looks, not talent or intelligence. Good-lookers also often wonder if people are only attracted to them for their beauty and – astonishing as this may seem – can suffer low self-esteem. Perhaps we shouldn’t be too jealous.
Research suggests sunbeds can lower the chance of an early death, with the benefits of ultraviolet light outweighing skin cancer risks. As someone who has had skin cancer surgery, I advise caution. Take a vitamin D supplement rather than go on a sunbed.
Dr Max prescribes: A neck fan The latest trend this summer to help cope with the hot weather is a neck fan, which directs a steady stream of cool air up on to the face I’ve just come back from staying with a friend in the South of France. One afternoon two chic ladies joined us for lunch. Both had strange devices dangling from their necks, which turned out to be neck fans – the latest trend.
They direct a steady stream of cool air up to the face. Absolutely genius. Can’t get hold of one? A classic fold-away fan is always an elegant option too.
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