Dear Dáithí, I’m writing to you about my sister. Her marriage broke down about six months ago. They’d been married for seven years and have two young kids.
Financially they’re just about hanging in there — paying the mortgage, bills and the rest. The trouble is they can’t afford for him to move out — he has no family nearby, and he doesn’t want to move too far from the kids, which I understand. So he’s been sleeping on the couch.
My sister seems resigned to this new setup — she keeps saying it’s fine, what can they do, but it just seems all wrong to me. Neither of them can get on with their lives, and it’s confusing for the kids. There’s no chance of a reconciliation either.
They’re not at each other’s throats or anything — the relationship just fizzled out over the years. They tried counselling before they made the decision but it’s clear the marriage is over. Even though my sister says it’s fine, I can see it’s taking a toll on her.
I know there’s probably not a quick fix for this, but should I encourage her to start making a long-term plan? There are a few things that make this situation common, firstly people break up and can’t afford to pay for two separate places, and then even if people have the money to be able to live apart, it is almost impossible to find another place to live. So, what you get is this very same thing where people who should be moving on with their lives can’t. Being honest, it might be a while before this will change.
For example, even if your sister’s husband does move in with a friend or other family member, how long can he really stay, a month at most maybe? There are no winners in this particular situation. Now, this all will change eventually, and it’s important to keep that in mind, but we have to be realistic here in the current climate. There are a few positives here.
They are not at each other throats, but it seems that the love between your sister and her husband fizzled out as you say. There are no outside influences, or third party involved, and this all makes things less complicated, which is a good thing. If there was a lot of aggro between them and in the house, I’d be a lot more worried, and there is no domestic abuse either.
Even though they are not together, they are civil to one another, and this is very important for everyone. Now I know that this relationship as it was, has gone, but there are two beautiful children in the middle of this and they need to have both parents around and they need to be protected at all costs. Another huge positive is that the dad here doesn’t want to move too far from his kids when he does move.
This says a lot about him to me, someone else might just walk away and take off. You might think I’m siding with him, but I’m really trying to see the big picture here. I’m sure these children have a million questions and seeing dad sleeping on the coach must be worrying.
At the moment there is an uncertainty in their minds about what is going on and this might manifest in their behaviour at some stage if not sorted. Your sister needs to speak to them about this and reassure them that mom and dad love them both so much and that will never change no matter what happens. The fact that dad has nowhere else to go should be used in a positive way in that they could say: ‘Look there is going to be no major movement in the next while’.
But they need to be honest. I would try and find a real bed and even a room for the husband here. Your sister keeps saying that it’s fine and what she is really saying is that it’s fine for the situation they are in, and that is probably true.
There isn’t much else they can do so I don’t know how you saying she needs a long-term plan is helping. I’m sure she knows that she needs a long-term plan, but she is the only one who knows the real story and how hard it will be to move on, and at the end of the day, she’s the person who is living through all of this. I would work on where you can help and make a difference in her life.
You could take her for a weekend away from this current situation for a few days. The home life is what it is, but you can change other things. I’d ask her if she is ready to move on and meet someone else, she might not be there yet, or it might be exactly what she’s looking for.
You say all of this is taking its toll on her, and this will help with that, I think. To get the right mix here is also important for your sister — knowing the reality of now with an eye to a brighter future and that things will change, and they will. You need to be patient for your sister, and when she runs out of hers you should remind her that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I’m sure your sister and her husband are putting their children first and it’s a great thing, but they also need to mind themselves otherwise they won’t be able to mind anyone. I know you’re worried about your sister, but before doing anything else ask her where she needs the help. She mightn’t be ready for help yet, this can happen too, people go at their own pace so keep an eye on that.
This is her race and follow her lead..
