Dear Carol: My mom’s blessed with relatively good health for someone in her early 80s. She has enough money to live nicely, if not in luxury. She has attentive adult children and nice grandchildren.
So, what’s my question? She’s constantly complaining. I’ll add that she’s always been negative, so this isn’t completely new, it’s just worse than it used to be. I try to adjust what I can to see if that helps, but if I fix one thing, she’ll find something else to complain about.
I know aging isn’t fun, but really, this is wearing. How do I help her become happier or at least capable of enjoying a few things about her last years? — AY Dear AY: Like so many caregivers, your heart is in the right place, but you’re trying to do the impossible. We can’t fix aging, and we can’t make others happy.
If your mom’s always been negative, she’s unlikely to change now. Don’t discount that she could have legitimate complaints. With that in mind, try to determine if pain is an issue that hasn’t been addressed by her doctor.
Physical therapy or chiropractic might help her live more comfortably. If she’s been having bladder discomfort, she might need to be checked for a low-grade urinary tract infection. If you see changes that indicate depression, try to convince her to see a counselor or psychologist.
Additionally, medications can sometimes cause subtle mood swings, anxiety, or depression. Maybe it’s time for a medication review with her doctor. Does she feel that her life has a purpose? Your family sounds close, but what about friends? What about a church or spiritual connection? A senior center? Does she feel needed in some way? A feeling that one has a purpose in life underlies much of what makes our struggles worthwhile.
You can do any or all the above but understand that nothing you do is apt to change your mom into a cheerful, positive person. Complaining may just be the way she communicates, and in an odd way, this may be her brand of happiness. So, how do you handle this and stay sane? Simply agree with her.
If she complains about joint pain but refuses any management technique, you could say, “That’s got to hurt. I wish you didn’t have it.” If she complains about her doctor, you could say, “I agree.
I wish we could find someone better.” You don’t have to change a thing. The idea is to validate that she voiced a complaint and yes, life can be tough.
Offer sympathy for her struggles and then move on to some other topic. In other words, AY, you’ll likely find that life is easier for you if you don’t even attempt to fix what can’t be fixed. Just validate and commiserate before changing the subject.
Your mom gets some relief by voicing her complaints and being heard which could, in turn, lower the volume on her need to complain. Big hug. You aren’t alone.
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