Brian Dowling is doing what most new parents will be familiar with, holding his breath while tiptoeing away from his sleeping two-month-old daughter Blu – who he shares with celebrity choreographer husband Arthur Gourounlian. ‘Arthur’s taken Blake for a walk too, so we are good to go,’ TV and radio host Brian says of his husband and first-born daughter, who will be two tomorrow. Divine timing is everything for parents, and Brian is more than aware of how blessed himself and Arthur are with their beautiful little girls, who were welcomed via surrogacy by his sister Aoife.
‘It’s hard to believe, but when Blake turned one, my sister Aoife actually got pregnant with Blu the following month,’ says Brian, who is now one of Ireland’s most familiar media faces, rising to fame after winning the second series of Big Brother and currently presenter of Virgin Media One’s Six O’Clock Show. ‘We didn’t dare to hope because you’re relying on so many factors – the hormones and juicy ingredients – and now here we are with a two year old and a two month old. We are very grateful and thankful.
’ Some sleep-deprived new parents may want to look away now – as Brian reveals that both their children are sleepers – and not a Gina Ford book in sight. ‘The best advice about parenting I’ve got from my sisters – and that’s to make it up as you go along. I haven’t read one parenting book,’ he shrugs.
In a world where sharenting has made many self-professed experts in raising kids, it’s refeshing to hear there’s no strict routines or fancy nannying in the Dowling/ Gourounlian household. ‘It’s a case of put her down, let her sleep, change her nappy, feed her, love her,’ he says simply. ‘People are always so surprised at how normal our lives are,’ he adds.
‘The fact is we are just two gay men who happened to choose surrogacy to have our family. You take that part away and we are really just a regular family.’ In fact, getting their new baby to sleep is the least of their concerns.
What has made being new parents infinitely more difficult for the couple is the ‘daily’ abuse they endure. The online attacks are shocking enough – but this hate has now spewed into their physical lives, too. Brian reveals that because their new address was put up by a troll and highlighted on Google Maps, they have had to get An Garda Siochana involved.
‘When I went to school in the 80s everything was very different. Families looked very different,’ says Brian. ‘Today, there are so many different definitions of a family, from a separated parent to same-sex parents or whatever it may be, but what frustrates me is that some people still think what constitutes a proper family model is that traditional 1980s family.
‘And what I want to say to those people, is open your door, breathe and take a good look around. Take a look outside yourself,’ he says, frustration evident in his voice. ‘We moved from Straffan to Terenure in April.
My sister was living with us and heavily pregnant and Blake was in the house too. These people knew where I lived and could see when I was on TV and not in the house. We felt very threatened – and that’s not a nice feeling.
’ Brian recently shared how he and Arthur were ‘reported’ online for going to best friend Pippa O’Connor’s 40th in Ibiza without their children. ‘People were online fighting among themselves when we were in Dublin Airport,’ he says of the incident. ‘I was away for my best friend’s birthday for four nights – it was a trip that was planned a year in advance – and the abuse we got for leaving the girls was obscene.
All of our other friends who were on the trip were heterosexual and they didn’t get any judgement or condemnation,’ he says. ‘Having said that, Pippa did get trolled when she went to my 40th in Vegas six years ago; she was being asked who her kids were with, and was like ‘their father’. Maybe some people are upset because they didn’t get to do these things, I don’t know.
‘But she was saying to me “you can’t take it that seriously and you have to live your life”,’ he says of his best pal, who he ‘adores’ being with. ‘Pippa has been so good to us, she gave us a crib and a cradle and lots of clothes.’ And Brian says that while he loved the time he spent away with his pals, he missed his daughters hugely.
‘Four nights is enough. You get that feeling in your stomach. Dad guilt is definitely a thing and I’m going to really feel it now next week,’ he says of his return to his morning radio show with Suzanne Kane on 98FM.
‘Radio days are full days,’ he says. ‘I got it really bad with Blake, so I’m expecting it doubled now with Blu. ‘But you have to burst that bubble too.
Two weeks after Blake was born, my sister got married and we celebrated that too obvi – ously. You’re not just a dad, you’re still a husband, son, brother, friend,’ he says, adding that as the eldest sibling – with six sisters – their daughters have the best aunties in the world. ‘That’s the thing, when people question where our children are – I have six sisters, we’re good,’ he says wryly.
‘They all just adore our girls. They spoil them rotten.’ But while Brian and Arthur are trying to find their feet as new parents, juggling work and life and, for Brian ‘getting used to being a dad at 46’, what is making things infinitely more difficult is the darkness of continual abuse.
Some sickening vitriol that Brian has had to contend with include both himself and Arthur being called child abusers and paedo – philes, and his little daughter’s conception was incest. It’s affected the couple’s lives so much that Brian is now at the point where he does look over his shoulder. ‘I have become very wary, and that’s the reality.
All it takes is one f**king nutter to prove a point and I’m always very mindful of this when I’m out with the girls. Like 99 per cent of people are so lovely but there’s a tiny percent – age..
.’ his voice trails off. ‘One of them could run at me, thrown something, knock the buggy over.
‘I’m so lucky that some people stand up for me on Instagram by the way and tell them to get a f**king life,’ he says, adding that he these days, he does fight back, more than he’s ever before. ‘When we were away, someone asked ‘Who’s looking after your kids’ and I wrote back ‘No idea’’ he says sardonically. As a parent, I suggest it must be difficult not to go full throttle at them.
‘When it comes to myself, I’ve got a ‘f*ck you’ attitude. I was a gay boy growing up in Rathangan, you know,’ he laughs of his Kildare heritage. ‘I can look after myself.
My worry is for the safety of other people – of my family,’ he says, he says, revealing shockingly that Aoife was crossing the road at almost nine months pregnant with Blu, when she was subjected to a frightening incident. ‘A man yelled at her ‘I know where you live,’ he says. ‘She was terrified.
She practically ran home crying.’ Maybe the saddest part of it is that Brian feels that’s just part and package of life for this couple and their family – but in Ireland in 2024, this certainly shouldn’t be the case. ‘I’m 46, and I feel like I’m allowing people to bully me every single day,’ says Brian.
A post shared by Brian Dowling Gourounlian (@bprdowling) ‘From my accent, weight, hair, lips, the way I walk and dress. But these people are weak and will never say it to your face, so in a way I feel sorry for them. And then some people will say I’m not my daughters’ dad, I’m their uncle; they even target my kids directly, asking why Blake can’t talk properly.
‘I think I can control the rage because I’m so used to it,’ he muses. ‘I’ve been getting this now for almost three years, since the time we announced our pregnancy. But it has definitely upped the ante lately, to a level that I think is very, very dangerous,’ he adds.
‘There needs to be more regulation around the hate that is spewed online. ‘We have been told the kids should be forcibly removed from our home and handed over to heterosexuals. That’s the sort of level of homophobia we are talking about.
We’ve also been asked why we can’t just be happy – that we managed to get married, why did we feel the need to have a family too,’ he says incredulously. ‘All of our friends and family think it’s perfectly normal what we are doing and how we have created our family. We are the children’s parents – Aoife is not their mother, we had an egg donor.
She carried our children for us and we are forever grateful,’ he says. ‘What’s wrong with me wanting my name on the first legal document of my children?’ he says of the legal quagmire that exists around surrogacy in Ireland. ‘It’s not a gay issue, it’s a human issue,’ he continues, adding that it’s something that needs to be normalised in our society today and openly discussed.
The couple have made inroads here through their book, Modern Family, which was published last November, and Brian says he continually gets messages from men and women looking for advice on issues relating to surrogacy and infertility. ‘Finding out I was infertile was emotionally difficult and male infertility is not something that’s openly discussed,’ he says. ‘And surrogacy brings a lot of different emotions.
It’s funny, I had to come to terms with how I felt after the baby was born. I was desperately worried I might not feel that bio – logical pull. I put so much pres – sure on myself.
And the day after Blake was born, I just snuggled with her on the couch and I was like “yes, this is my baby”.’ The couple, who are both Catholic, recently experienced prejudice when meeting with a local priest in Dublin in preparation for Blue’s christening. ‘He refused to refer to me as her father,’ says Brian.
‘He told Arthur I was the guardian, and asked where her mother was. The priest at Blake’s christening was absolutely fantastic, so we just happened to get a homophobic one,’ he shrugs, before recalling a heartwarming story about him and his sister at church in their local Kildare parish back in 2001. ‘She was 17 and pregnant, and I had just been on Big Brother so everyone knew I was gay and we were back in the local church and we were terrified we’d be kicked out,’ he says.
‘But the priest came over to us, put a hand on my sister’s shoulder and said ‘welcome back to the parish’ – it was such a gorgeous moment.’ As their daughter turns two tomorrow, Brian says family events are somewhat bittersweet as his beloved mum Rosie died suddenly in 2018, and never got to meet her grandchildren. ‘You find a way to live with it.
I’m very lucky in that I feel like I’m friends with grief, if that makes sense,’ he says, adding that his podcast on the subject, Death Becomes Him, helped him in get – ting to that point. ‘My mum was just the most wonderful, loving person. And she always said you can sort anything with anyone, if you just sit down with a cup of tea and chat to them.
’ Sadly, that strategy is unlikely to work on the faceless bullies who plague their family. But Brian is happy and excited for the future – and he’s not even ruling out another baby, although ‘it would be more complicated’. ‘It would involve leaving Ireland and going to a different country for surrogacy.
We might have a serious conversation about it next year, but right now, we just feel so blessed.’ The Six O’Clock Show is on Virgin Media One from Monday to Friday and on the Virgin Media Player.
