‘Wonderfully low-maintenance’: the bullshit phrases an estate agent would use to sell you

'Wonderfully low-maintenance': the bullshit phrases an estate agent would use to sell you 14th August 2024 ESTATE agents, using the magic of language, can transform even the foulest shithole into a desirable property worth borrowing £300,000 for. Here’s how they would sell you: ‘Tastefully appointed’ The basics aren’t there, but you’ve covered the cracks in your physical foundations by making yourself up like the madame of a clown brothel. From Urban Decay’s most garish shades to lurid fashion choices, you’ve done all you can to distract.

‘Charming’ Neither beautiful, intelligent or especially witty, people still hang out with you. There must be a reason but in the absence of any easily identified redeeming feature, let’s call that undefinable, undetectable quality ‘charm’. ‘Ample storage’ In a house? Means rooms in f**ked-up L-shapes useful for nothing but stacking boxes.

For a person? A gentle way of saying that you’re a doormat who’ll accept any kind of emotional baggage you’re thrown, from estranged children to morbid obesity. ‘Sympathetically restored’ You’ve had work done. Whether fresh tits or a hair transplant, whether veneers or a jowl lift, effort has been put in.

Points, therefore, should be awarded for trying. ‘Fantastic opportunity’ Everyone loves opportunities. Who’d want to miss out on one? Any potential lover who misses out on the ‘opportunity’ to invest a lot of time and money into you for little to no return.