I never thought I would be able to rest again. My body was so tired, so wired, that I was only sleeping a few hours a night and unable to nap during the day. This was normal, I told myself.
I just had a baby; I wasn't supposed to be resting. Instead, I dealt with constantly racing thoughts that could bring me to tears — thoughts that something bad could happen to my baby. All the while, I told myself that having constant stress and worry would be worth it.
Because what if something did happen? What if my fear was right? The constant stress, the pain I was subjecting myself to, would be worth it because I'd already have talked through the scenario and figured out my reaction. My baby would be safe. Still, I wondered what was happening to me.
Eventually, 2 months postpartum, I tipped over into the debilitating side of anxiety. I couldn't control my thoughts. They were running the show.
My once stable hormones and mood were nosediving. That's when I realized I was dealing with postpartum anxiety, an excessive worrying that can happen after childbirth leaving parents to feel constantly nervous or panicked, according to the Cleveland Clinic . I wasn't prepared for it at all.
I'd heard of postpartum depression , but never postpartum anxiety. No one in my world was discussing it. I'd been conditioned to think that new moms are expected to worry.
While some worry is adaptive and helpful, I had tipped over from adaptive to maladaptive, functional to harmful. On the surface, I was ha.