The Election Is Almost Over. Please God, Can Political Spam Texts Be Too?

DEAR PATRIOT, we have some CRITICAL news. Your FAVORITE candidate is UP in the polls but DOWN in fundraising — or is that UP in fundraising but DOWN in the polls. REGARDLESS, the race is ALMOST OVER.

With just HOURS TO GO, it might feel like the campaign is reaching out toYOU personally because you’re one of their most ANXIOUS supporters and they can tell that you’ve still got a LITTLE BIT OF MONEY remaining that you haven’t yet spent on THERAPY. Will you heed their CAPITAL LETTERS and DONATE your TIME, MONEY or what’s left of your HAIRLINE before it’s TOO LATE? Or will you try to MOVE ON with your life and nurture what’s left of your SANITY? Yes, whatever happens in the aftermath of Tuesday’s historic U.S.

election, there is at least one thing that Americans of all political stripes can agree on: Please God, let these fucking text messages be done with. By now, we all know what it feels like..

. A ping from your vibrating phone interrupts your day. Without you realizing it, the little dopamine centers in your brain start firing as you hope for a message about something important.

Maybe it’s from a friend or romantic partner? Maybe a beloved family member? And then...

heartbreak, disappointment, and anger as you realize it’s yet another long screed from a desperate Nancy Pelosi or unhinged Donald Trump Jr. YELLING at you for not doing more to SAVE THE COUNTRY. Indeed, across social media on Wednesday, people were hoping — praying, even — that these omin.