Early on in Bible Belt bonking and butchery tale Love & Death (STV, Saturday) the central female character, Candy, the cliché bored housewife, turns to the male lead, Allan – who is also unhappily married – and says, ‘Would you be interested in having an affair?’ It’s a great line, delivered by the masterful Elizabeth Olsen with all the deliberate indifference of a coffee shop barista asking if you’d like sprinkles on your latte. And Allan does indeed accept sprinkles, served up in a cheap motel once a week, because Candy is in fact gorgeous. And that represents the biggest problem with this series.
Olsen is of the same DNA as the Olsen Twins, and like her sisters considered to be one of the most beautiful women in all America. However, Allan is played by Jesse Plemons who is not beautiful at all. And we are asked to believe that Candy could be sweet on a Texas muncher who looks as though he works in a pie shop and eats much of the product.
The Battle To Beat Malaria, with Umesh Shaligram (Image: Alex Keefe) Okay, you may think I’m being rather superficial here; perhaps Candy sees the inner man in Allan, but no. He’s utterly boring too, with all the charisma of a chilli dog. And just to totally dismiss even the possibility of such congress, when Allan does have sex with Candy, he keeps his vest on.
As we know, only two men in the history of the universe have ever looked good in a vest and that’s Bruce Willis and Brando. The rest of mankind look like Nesbit.