The way I see it, the sport codes we are good in, such as purse and mobile phone snatching, mob beatings on old women accused of witchcraft, the political party switching dash and keyboard warrior athletics, are not in the Olympics. The main event where Namibia can really win is the ‘Golf Mirror Snatching’, which involves the speed and agility required to steal mirrors off parked VW Golfs and running to never be caught. Now, I’m not saying Namibians are inherently criminal or violent.
It’s just that these particular talents seem to be in abundance. Imagine a Namibian sprinter in the 100m. Instead of Usain Bolt-like grace, they’d be dodging potholes, stray dogs and the occasional angry shopkeeper at China Town.
The hurdles would be replaced by open manholes and a corrugated iron shack right there where it does not belong. Try to imagine this: the Olympic stadium is abuzz with anticipation as team Namibia supporters wave their flags. The crowd roars as the starting gun fires.
Instead of sprinters, we have a line of competitors eyeing a row of gleaming VW Golfs. This is the final of the Golf Mirror Snatching event. Our Namibian hopeful, let’s call him Kid Kapango, stands ready.
He’s lean, agile and has eyes that could spot a shiny object a kilometre away. The signal is given, and he’s off. With a blur of motion, he’s at the first Golf.
Two swift tugs, and the mirrors are free. He slips them into a specially designed, aerodynamic pouch strapped to his thigh. But.