Maybe you’ve heard some of the amazing facts about possums. Possums eat garden pests and hundreds of ticks a day. They’re mostly immune to rabies and snake venom, and are practically odorless except when sprawled out acting like they’re dead, which—who among us, right? Possums’ public image is better than ever.
Here are some additional facts about possums that even in this day and age you still might not know: Possums always squeeze the sponge out after using it—even if possums think they might use it again soon. Possums text you back immediately. It doesn’t feel desperate, either.
Or like they’re playing some game and winning. Just feels nice, is all. Possums read the supplemental texts on the syllabus.
Possums receive regular e-mails from their credit-card company asking if they meant to leave a thirty-eight-per-cent tip at Diane’s Diner: A Woman-Owned Café Where All the Staff Is Single Moms. To be clear—possums meant to. Possums are punctual, but they don’t make being on time their whole personality.
Since the eighteen-hundreds, possums’ geographic range has steadily crept northward. Scientists don’t know why, exactly. They suspect it’s to see more of you.
That autofill password thing that pops up and just takes care of entering it for you? Possums invented that. Humans don’t even know how it works. Possums can’t drive.
Think about that for a second—no terrible driver you’ve encountered in your entire life has ever been a possum. Possu.