Lord of the Flies, with special bitter guest star Phillip Schofield 1st October 2024 EVER wondered how English Lit GCSE text Lord of the Flies would go with an grudge-bearing former light entertainment star on the island? Like this: Day one Shipwrecked on remote island with half the intake of a minor public school. Explain they’re perfectly safe as that was my brother, my relationship was legal and no I will not be building a broom cupboard or getting Gordon the f**king Gopher out. They affect not to know what I’m talking about.
Typical. Day three We’ve established a system where only the person who has the conch shell is allowed to talk. I have the conch.
Constructing a sofa out of driftwood, I invite the boys to present segments on cookery, fashion, survival and the existence of ‘the Beast’ which I presume to be bloody Willoughby. Advise them they’re dead right to be scared of it. Day six Filming has broken down, just because ‘a crab is not a camera’.
I ask who’s had a 40-year career in TV here, and who’s a f**king runner? A faction of the boys has split off to hunt wild pigs. I presume they’re planning something along the lines of Saturday Kitchen. Day eight I have lost the conch, which is just like my This Morning defenestration all over again.
Silenced, forbidden to speak, muted and abandoned by those I thought were friends. Ralph points out I’m talking now. I explain this island has BARB ratings so low as to be non-existent, so is essentially Cha.