I ’ve been moisturised with creams containing caviar, diamond dust, 24-carat gold and slug mucin (that’s slime, unless you’re at a luxury spa). I’ve been beaten with twigs in Germany, hosed down with a pipe akin to a water cannon in Switzerland, buried in sand in Barbuda and had a hay bath in Italy. Then there was the facial with nightingale droppings in Japan and the time my stomach was set on fire in Thailand.
Here is what I’ve learnt along the way. 1. Go naked sometimes .
.. Does anyone need the glimpse into life in a residential care home that pulling on those nappy-like paper panties offers? Not me.
Here’s the thing: you don’t have to suffer that humiliation. I breezily say, “It’s easier for you if I don’t wear them, isn’t it?”, cunningly making myself appear to be caring while avoiding the gross indignity. The truth is that therapists prefer you to go commando because that midpoint elasticated obstruction interrupts full-body massage strokes — the most relaxing technique in their armoury.
A further irony is that the sense of vulnerability when they adjust the pants to work on your lower back can make you feel far more exposed than actually being naked..