This is hitting you so hard because of the deep bonds you have with your children. Just because those bonds are beautiful. It doesn’t mean they aren’t a source of pain, too.
I hope it helped to write it down like you did – writing is a good way to explore and express your feelings, and feelings such as these are better out than in. You are adding to the sadness by torturing yourself with regrets. Those ruminations about their childhoods, your marriage and even how you were the same when you were their age regarding your own parents are feeding your sadness.
Catch yourself when you start to play the regret game. Switch your focus to the positive memories and the good times you shared with your children. The fact that they are busy, happy and lead independent lives tells you an important thing: you are a good enough parent – and that’s as good as it gets for any of us.
No parent is perfect. They have internalised your love and happily take it for granted. It is important, too, that our children find out who they are without us.
They need to find their own people – this is our biology, because if they remained dependent upon us for company, they would not be able to manage after we died and hopefully, with a bit of luck, we are going to die first. Like you, I didn’t want to seem needy either. But I came clean You remind me of me when my daughter went away to university; the wrench was hard to bear.
I’d go and give a talk in a bookshop for half a dozen people, jus.