'I Feel Guilty For Having No Sex Drive After Having Two Children'

A mum of young children has opened up about feeling guilty for not having much of a sex drive.A mum of a 17-month-old and three-year-old has opened up about the guilt she feels for having “no sex drive” since having her second child – and parents are relating hard.The parent took to Reddit’sr/Mommit forum to say she and her husband have had sex about five times since her second child was born. “We have talked about it and we both say the same thing ... we are just so tired having a 3 year old and 1 year old,” she said.“And we have very limited free time. We have a healthy relationship otherwise and genuinely like each other. It’s like we both have sort of lost interest in sex.”The parent mused that maybe this is just something that happens when you’ve got two kids, but added she still feels “guilt” over it.“We had a weekend away once since our kids were born and we did have sex several times then. Anyone else with similar situations?”People sympathised and insisted this is normal for this period in their lives.“I’m sorry ― dry spells like that can be very demoralising,” said one user in the comments. “But sex is not the only barometer for your relationship, you know? When you and your partner are both exhausted, you find other ways to connect.“There will be a day when ... you will feel more like a person again. The way you feel now is not the way you will feel forever.”Other parents of young children also took the opportunity to say they, too, are not having much sex. One noted: “I have a 3 year old and 5 month old twins. It’s not like I lost interest in sex, but all the stars have to be aligned for both me and my husband to feel in the mood at the same time, that we aren’t tired and that we have time.”Why might sex lives suffer after having kids?Aside from the obvious exhaustion and lack of time that comes with having children, there will probably be other factors at play here. Brace yourselves, there are quite a few. “Priorities tend to change when people have children, especially in the early years as the needs of the children are so great that much time and energy is spent on tending to them,” Miranda Christophers, a relationship therapist from The Therapy Yard, told HuffPost UK. “Throw in work, managing the home, life admin and other responsibilities and it leaves very little time for oneself which often impacts how you spend time with partners.”An obvious factor here is that sleep takes a massive hit, as sexologist and relationship therapist Sofie Roos, pointed out. “The majority of couples with small children would agree that their sleep is affected negatively, and that they are more tired than before, and most humans have an evolutionary function where we prioritise sleep over sex if we’re very tired,” she explained.“This, in combination with higher levels of stress, which also makes the body de-prioritise sexual desire, makes it even more difficult to find peace and lust for getting intimate!”You might feel your focus and energy is simply consumed elsewhere (usually, with the kids), or be ‘touched out’ – a phenomenon where you crave a breather from physical touch. Some parents report this when they’re nursing or have young children clinging to them all the time. On top of all this, some people might find it more difficult to connect with themselves as a sexual being or may feel the changing priorities affect how they see themselves or their partners, said Christophers.And then you’ve got the physiological changes to contend with. Your hormones can have an impact on desire, especially after birth, and particularly if you’re breastfeeding. We know elevated prolactin levels – the hormone associated with milk production – can negatively impact libido and sexual function.The therapist said it can take up to a year or more (and even longer if nursing) for hormones to settle to their pre-baby state.“Increased progesterone may impact desire. Reduced oestrogen levels can cause dryness, tenderness, thinning and inflammation (vaginal atrophy) in the vaginal area which can cause discomfort during sex,” she added.If this is something you’re experiencing, Christophers recommends using lubricants and trying Kegal exercises.Lastly, you might have scars, tenderness, painful breasts or post-birth pain, while also dealing with shifting body image and confidence. So yes, there’s a lot going on and it’s really a wonder any of us are having sex at all.What do experts suggest?The key here is to prioritise intimacy, and that doesn’t have to mean having sex. Roos, who writes for Swedish site Passionerad, said: “Make time and create opportunities to be intimate, and prioritise this over other things you now spend the little free time you have on – and in the long run, you will start having more sex!”It’s not just about taking time for date nights, she suggested, it could be things like “showering together, trying to go to bed a bit earlier or investing in a couple’s sex toy or luxurious lube that you have been curious about”. Some parents have found reigniting your flirtatious side can help, as one Reddit user suggested: “There’s something to be said for flirting even if you don’t actually want anything further. Just little teases, pokes, innuendos that will go over the kids’ heads ... That can keep the spark alive when flames are impossible.”Christophers points to the fact that when the parent from the Reddit thread did get away for uninterrupted couple time, she had sex several times – and this “goes to show” how important the environment, and creating a context that feels good, is.To increase desire, the therapist advised couples to try thinking about what has worked in the past and focusing on pleasure: what do you enjoy? How does it make you feel? “Pleasure focus is always a better way to start when thinking about desire,” she added.Keeping the dialogue open with your partner can also help – discuss ongoing concerns, talk about how you both feel. This can help you feel closer and enables you to work together to find ways to increase intimacy, whether sexual or otherwise.She added: “It might be about finding some time for themselves, without the children (not always easy!) but this can be time together in the home once the kids are in bed, finding time to talk, doing something enjoyable, connecting and having adult time where they can see each other as partners, not just parents.”Related...I'm A Sex Therapist, This Is How To Get Out Of The Roommate PhaseI’m A Sex Expert — 4 Steps For Women Who Struggle To OrgasmI Asked AI To Plan My Sex Life – Here's What Happened NextHow Little Sex Is 'Too Little'? I Asked A Sexologist, A Psychologist, And A Relationship Expert