“I always feel guilty, and I don’t know what to do. My guilt makes me second-guess myself. I even feel guilty about complaining because other people have it so much worse.
My partner thinks my guilt is unhealthy because it drives me to put myself last. What should I do?” A former patient asked me this question. She felt guilty anytime she stated her needs or accepted help.
Saying “no” to friends and colleagues also felt challenging. My patient’s dilemma is far from unique. She was caught in a tug-of-war with guilt, which is something many of us can relate to.
You’re not alone in dealing with feelings of guilt, but the emotion doesn’t have to win. Credit: Getty Images This emotion comes in two varieties: normal guilt and maladaptive guilt. Normal guilt is what we feel for losing our cool, telling a fib or breaking a rule.
Normal guilt has an important purpose. Research shows it serves as a moral compass and helps maintain social relationships . Without it, we may hurt others or fail to make amends for our wrongdoings.
Maladaptive guilt – which my patient was experiencing – is the guilt we feel when we haven’t hurt or wronged another person, but we feel that we have. Maladaptive guilt often stems from our childhood experiences. For example, if we were shamed anytime we expressed a need, we may feel guilty for asserting ourselves.
Or if guilt was weaponised to motivate hard work, we may feel culpable whenever we relax. Both normal and maladaptive guilt can .