7 A.M. The person I am not gets up promptly to enjoy a perfect sunrise and does forty-five minutes of Pilates without first sitting on the toilet and staring into space for nine minutes while coming to no real conclusions.
7:45 A.M. The person I am not showers (adhering to an eco-friendly timer), throws her hair into a messy-yet-somehow-perfect bun, and selects a vintage tee from her capsule wardrobe that contains five items, including a vintage jacket that makes her arms look skinny from every angle.
8 A.M. The person I am not grabs a green smoothie that she pre-made and puts it into her cup with a metal straw that she got at an NPR mixer.
8:30 A.M. The person I am not seamlessly merges onto the highway without getting anxious or silently farting the whole way and then parallel parks in one perfect move without her insides screaming, “ BEING BAD AT THIS REFLECTS POORLY ON ALL WOMEN .
” 8:33 A.M. On her way to work, the person I am not gives correct cardinal directions to three lost tourists while saying her daily affirmations and then patiently listens to a twenty-three-year-old clipboard holder talk about dying polar bears before committing to a monthly donation to the cause, which doesn’t stress her out, because she can afford that.
8:45 A.M. The person I am not arrives at work early to check in on the emotional well-being of her co-workers and remembers the names of their spouses and children, as well as their secret dreams.
She then fills up her one-gallon gradient .