Copy link Copied Copy link Copied Subscribe to gift this article Gift 5 articles to anyone you choose each month when you subscribe. Already a subscriber? Login There’s little that can prepare a first-time cruiser for the sheer weirdness of the whole experience. It is at once pure comfort and yet strangely off-putting; immensely organised and somehow profoundly chaotic; squeaky clean, and yet there’s only so much hand sanitiser that can go around; masterfully prepared and also mass-produced; crowded and lonely.

It is, I learn, not a given that a human being in 2024 knows how a lift operates. These are a few initial thoughts (of many) after a week on a top-tier mega cruise ship, the MS Rotterdam, run by Holland America, a high-end line running 11 vessels all over the world. Our itinerary departs Rotterdam, the Netherlands’ second-largest city, before stopping at four Norwegian towns – Eidfjord, Alesund, Skjolden and Kristiansand – and returning to where we started.

MS Rotterdam moored at the Wilhelminapier, Rotterdam. Alamy My wife and I bring the average age down by a lot. At 32, this is my first time.

My wife, 31 – and 14 weeks pregnant – is a pro. Ever since we met, 15 years ago, her parents have been politely asking whether I’d like to join them on a cruise. I have politely declined.

This is not because I don’t want to spend time with them. Cruising is simply not My Thing. In my defence, neither is it my generation’s.

Among Australian cruise passengers,.