Dear Carol: I’m crushed and uncertain how to move forward. My wife, 74, has spent years battling cancer with some success and a reasonable quality of life. Now, the disease has taken over her body and we’re in the stage of deciding what more, if anything, can be done.
The doctor has suggested that hospice care should be the next step. My head knows he he’s right, but my heart says she should not give up. My wife, of course, is who matters, and she says she’s tired of fighting when she can’t get better.
I suppose we’re looking for hope where there is none, or at least confirmation that hospice is a good decision. She’s been given an estimate of six months. What are your thoughts? – GT Dear GT: Your heartbreak shows through in your letter.
I’m so sorry that your wife and you need to go through this, but it’s obvious that you’ll support her. She’s fortunate to have you by her side. It may help to understand that hospice is not about giving up.
Rather, it’s about acceptance of reality and moving forward toward living the best life possible considering the circumstances. I’d urge you to talk with hospice staff soon and learn as much as you can about this support. It’s important to address the pros and cons of hospice at home vs.
hospice care delivered in a hospice facility or nursing home. Hospice can deliver services either way, so your wife, if admitted, could choose support at home. This would enable you to continue caring as you have been, but with extra services.
As her disease progresses, you could always discuss other options with your hospice team. Comfort underlies the hospice philosophy, so treatments solely aimed at curing are discontinued. In many instances, simply eliminating side-effect causing medications and often debilitating treatments can increase the person’s quality of life during this time.
The aim is to help people on hospice live life with as much quality, and as little pain, as possible. I won’t go into details since that is best done by discussing your wife’s options with hospice staff. However, I would recommend that you watch the “Nurse Julie” videos on Youtube (her channel is @hospicenursejulie) , "Being Admitted to Hospice (What to Expect and Know)" and Witnessing an Angle Miracle in Hospice Care," and any others on her site that interest you.
Julie McFadden, RN is a wonderful resource with a real gift for helping people understand what to expect. If you have time, watch her describe a death experience she witnessed, as well. Additionally, should you decide to start off with hospice care in the home, consider the newly revised and updated “Dying at Home: A Family Guide for Caregiving,” by Andrea Sankar, PhD, with CM Cassady (Hopkins Press: February 20, 2024, 3rd Edition).
This book covers navigating professional services, insurance coverage, and family dynamics that often compound the complexity of the death experience. I’ll add that there are older versions, but I’d suggest the updated version since this is a changeable topic..
