Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life. Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform.
Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement. My toddler killed a spider and now I need to go grocery shopping to buy several pickle jars so that my wife will need me to open them for her and I can stay relevant. As a non-Midwesterner married to a Midwestern man I’m here to tell Kamala to make sure to budget in an extra hour to every meeting so Walz can say goodbye to people and then stand at the door of the Oval Office for 45 mins still making small talk.
Why does my wife act surprised every year when football returns? She’s always like “Oh, they’re doing that again?” Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, "I learned that I'm actually pretty athletic." 8-year-olds. One of them had a cast.
Another was eating ice cream the entire time. There are two kinds of people in this world, those who have vacation constipation, and those who have vacation diarrhea, and they marry each other Gonna get wild with the wife tonight and do a 1000 piece cat puzzle When I’m upset with my husband, I don’t yell anymore. I wake up before him and use his favorite mug for my coffee like a normal person.
Sometimes, when I'm on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like "so, I've never dated a mom before" My husband thinks all the silverware should go in one big pile together instead of being separated by size and category. I really wish I had known this before we got married. I’m keeping the magic in my marriage by hiding all the Amazon boxes Wife and I are watching Dexter and she’s scribbling in a notebook so I guess this is goodbye My husband and I have finally reached a really important stage in our relationship* *We've gotten to the "Zou Bisou Bisou" episode of our "Mad Men" rewatch (well, first watch for him) My husband is going to the store to get "a few items" with our 7yo.
I hope this stops him from asking me why I never want to take the kids with me when I go shopping from now on. Wife: Let’s review one more time- why are you going to Costco? Me: To get bread & milk Wife: Right, now go get bread & milk Me: [brings home 58-inch TV] I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them. We just left my family reunion and my husband said in such a chipper voice "I was really well behaved so we're gonna go ahead and stop to get me a treat on the way home.
" pic.twitter.com/3zk3BBR1tc My wife went back to her school job today, and my kids’ school starts next week, so I’m 7 days away from experiencing silence for the first time since June On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas.
What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife? Me: Green light. Husband: You don’t have to tell me when it’s green. Me: *silent* *car behind us honks* Husband: Why didn’t you tell me it was green? -Marriage My husband is out of town, but don’t worry, my kid has standing in front of the kitchen drawers covered.
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