Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life. Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform.
Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement. My husband told me he wanted to renew our vows this morning. I mean, he said he was building me a walk-in closet, but same thing.
"You don't load the dishwasher right," I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job. My husband just left town for a work thing and I told him I didn't want him to go because I was going to be lonely and he said, so supportively, "well why don't you try to have an affair while I'm gone?" My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America. Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco "just to look" then texting you "we got a surprise" Marriage is understanding that ‘I’ll get to it later’ translates to ‘you’ll need to remind me all day until it’s actually done.
marriage is secretly changing the thermostat on each other everyday until one of you dies. My husband: Why do they call it a chicken sandwich? We don't say cow sandwich, it's a burger. We should call it something else.
Like a clucker. Me remodeling the house while my husband isn’t home to tell me no. If I put a hole here, surely he will fix it 😌😂 It's so crazy.
The secret fairy who does our dishes every day has been mysteriously absent ever since my husband went out of town. Went shopping for an anniversary card for my wife and all they had were crappy “I love you” ones. A store clerk even got mad when I asked why be a superstore if they don’t carry a variety like “There’s no one else I’d rather fart next to”.
So dull and classless. me: I'm not the stepfather, I'm the father that stepped up wife: they're your biological children and you don't have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs BREAKING NEWS+BREAKING NEWS I was allowed by the wife to hold my passport all the way through the airport and on to the plane like a big boy😀✊️ Hospital scheduler: What’s your relationship to your emergency contact? Me: We’re married. Hospital: .
.. type? Me: Oh, uh, gay type? Hospital: Not your marriage type, honey; your blood type.
Me: Lol sorry. I’m O-negative, also gay type. My husband told me I don’t always have to have the last word, like he’s new to this relationship and doesn’t know the rules.
Get married so that your husband can misunderstand the simplest of requests while freaking out in a Walgreens What’s good about arranging your meet your husband in a particular place is that he’ll wait near that place but not quite where you can see him. Marriage is just two people asking each other what's wrong until one of them dies My wife and I agreed never to go to bed angry with each other which is why we've both been awake since January 14, 2013. Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up* Me: Could you grab me a water while you're up? Related.
